Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways.
you can’t tell me what to do. you’re not my 3 year old.
— dan (@dadopotamus) January 2, 2021
My son is sobbing because we told him Nipple isn’t a good name for a puppy
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) January 2, 2021
[January 6, 2021, 2:00 pm, Algebra zoom class]
Teacher: Has anyone seen the news or heard or read what’s happening in America right now?
My 15yo: Kim and Kanye are getting divorced.
— Lovely Potatoes (@robin_991) January 7, 2021
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 5, 2021
9 finally ran out of things to say, but rather than shut up for 5 minutes she just calmly picked up ‘999 Recipes of the World’ and started reading aloud from the contents page. You have to admire her dedication to her craft.
Please send wine.
— bacon popsicle 🏔 (@Gupton68) January 7, 2021
Thoughts with the parent at my son’s school who offered to have the class guinea pig over the Xmas holidays & is now in for the long haul
— Will Wood 💙 (@MMWillWood) January 4, 2021
As divided as we are right now as a country on many issues, I think we can certainly agree on one thing: it was time for Caillou to go.#parenting
— Kelly Phillips Erb (@taxgirl) January 6, 2021
There was 15 Oreo cookies left, so to give each of my 4 children the same, I was forced to eat 11 of them.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 7, 2021
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) January 2, 2021
I’ve been sleeping like a baby this week!*
*waking up every 2 hours
— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) January 4, 2021
I told our daughter to “spill the tea” and my husband haughtily replied, “I think you mean spill the beans,” reminding me that no matter how uncool I am, I can always count on him to be even more uncool.
— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) January 3, 2021
The weatherman said there was 0% chance of snow this week so to get my kids to fall asleep last night, I promised to take them sledding today. Because I’m a fun mom who plans ahead.
— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) January 6, 2021
Sometimes I let my husband learn things on his own like the time he wanted to switch things up by buying the green tortillas. Did I mention we have a 3 year old?
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) January 6, 2021
Accidentally told my kid to eat sh*t while I was kicking his ass at Mario Kart so if you need more parenting tips, I got you fam.
— Live Laugh Unhinged 🚮 (@kaL12578) January 6, 2021
My 6yo is asking for “a tarantula in a cage” for Christmas and I for one am grateful he thought of a cage but even more grateful that he has 11 months to forget he ever thought of it
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) January 4, 2021
My kids are such picky eaters that today I told them I was proud of them for eating McDonalds chicken nuggets.
— Tired Dad of 2 (@Tired_Dad_of_2) January 3, 2021
I was lecturing my 5 yo about how he had to listen better. I went on & on & on, but I felt he was getting me due to his attentiveness and better than usual eye contact. After I finished, he reminded me I had a googley eye on my forehead from when we were goofing around earlier.
— Erin (@Erinbabysteps) January 4, 2021
What it’s like riding with a teenager learning how to drive:
Flew over the speed bump at normal speed because she thought it was supposed to slow her down.
The next try she slowed down too much and didn’t make it over.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) January 4, 2021
I said "The baby's sleeping on me can you bring my my meds?" and my husband said "Which pill?" and I said "Surprise me!"
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) January 5, 2021
9yo: sometimes it’s ok to swear
9yo: like when Mrs Weasley uses the b-word in the last Harry Potter book
9yo: but it wasn’t ok when Aunt Marge used it in the third book
Me: do you have a catalogue in your brain of all the times bit*h was said in Harry Potter
9yo: ... yes
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) January 5, 2021
I suppose you can never be too young to make New Year's resolutions.
Today, my 3 year-old had a tantrum because his waffles were too fluffy & I guess he's determined to be my 2nd favorite kid.
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) January 3, 2021
Parenting isn't really a test, it's more an unrelenting series of pop quizzes that you had no clue were coming and are in no way prepared for.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) January 5, 2021
4: Can we watch Elmo now?
7: I don’t want to watch a dumb baby show like Sesame Street
Also 7: pic.twitter.com/S7fW6jWuXU
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) January 3, 2021
So as it turns out, teaching your kids how to lose that game of Candy Land gracefully was a much more important lesson than you probably realized at the time.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 7, 2021
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) January 4, 2021
Each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Preview photo credit: lmegordon / twitter.com