Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways.

#1

Check on your friends with toddlers. The toddlers are winning. Send help.

— Joe Briggs, Esq. (@JoeBriggsEsq) May 12, 2020

#2

My kids asked me what I used to play on my iPad when I was a kid and I told them I used to let elmer’s glue dry on my hands and peel it off for fun

— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) May 11, 2020

#3

I said Alexa three times and she didn’t respond so she’s family now.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 14, 2020

#4

Did you know?

If you hold a bowl of broccoli up to your ear, you can hear the sound of a toddler screaming for grilled cheese.

— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) May 10, 2020

#5

quarantined babies don’t even know about crying in restaurants yet

— jo (@WhaJoTalkinBout) May 13, 2020

#6

27 hours of labor was worth it because when I shake my baby’s chunky leg and go “Ring ring ring!” and then put his fat cannoli foot to my ear and say “Hello?!” he laughs so hard he barfs.

— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) May 10, 2020

#7

Every single parent in the history of kid’s birthday parties who was offered a slice of pizza and declined really wanted that pizza.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 10, 2020

#8

I'd like to officially announce that I've lost 73 lbs over quarantine. My wife and I remain hopeful the kid will find his way home eventually.

— Tyler on the Chill (@_stylr) May 10, 2020

#9

Welcome to parenthood. You'll find yourself asking your spouse ridiculous questions like, "do you mind if I take a shower?"

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 11, 2020

#10

“clean your room or I will cut your hair again” is such an unexpected and fun parenting tool these days

— Just J (@junejuly12) May 13, 2020

#11

Me: Nap time

Toddler: I not tired

Me: It’s not about you

— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) May 11, 2020

#12

[fifteen minutes into being a parent] WHY DONT YOU WANT TO SURVIVE

— *sigh*clops (@aotakeo) May 9, 2020

#13

wife: aww the kids wrapped their mothers day gifts themselves

me: no I did them..

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 10, 2020

#14

My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn't sum up motherhood I don't know what does.

— Moderately Mom (@momtribevibe) May 10, 2020

#15

My daughter woke up, came halfway down the stairs wrapped in her comforter, said she would be avoiding everyone and asked me to hand her some cheese. My daughter is a whole mood.

— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) May 13, 2020

#16

My two year old ran into my room first thing thing this morning, and then, clearly coached, shouted “happy Mother’s Day mommy!” And then before i could respond, she picked up a pair of scissors and said “can I play with this, it’s special to me.” It was the best. ❤️

— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) May 10, 2020

#17

Earlier....

3 year old: I WANT BLUE CUP!

Wife: It’s this cup or nothing

Later....

Me: Here’s some wine

Wife: I DON’T LIKE THIS GLASS - GET ME THE NICE SHAPED ONE

— ThreeTimeDaddy (@threetimedaddy) May 14, 2020

#18

Dad law requires dads to say one of the following when ready to leave:

-Let's rock n roll
-Let's skeedadle
-Saddle up, partners
-Let's get the heck outta dodge
-Time to hit the road
-Let's blow this popsicle stand
-Let's hightail it outta here
-Let's get this show on the road

— The Dad (@thedad) May 13, 2020

#19

7-year-old: I don't want a big cake for my birthday.

Me: That's very humble of you.

7: I want a small cake every day of the year.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 13, 2020

#20

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 4, 2020

#21

[on my death bed]

My kids: Oh Mom! What’s something we can do to make your last moments better? What do you need?

Me: I...I...

Them: Yes, Mom?

Me: I...want to be left alone for 20 minutes.

Them, lying on my hospital bed and eating from my tray: ok what else

— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) May 14, 2020

Each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.

Preview photo credit: mommajessiec / twitter.com