Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways.
Check on your friends with toddlers. The toddlers are winning. Send help.
— Joe Briggs, Esq. (@JoeBriggsEsq) May 12, 2020
My kids asked me what I used to play on my iPad when I was a kid and I told them I used to let elmer’s glue dry on my hands and peel it off for fun
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) May 11, 2020
I said Alexa three times and she didn’t respond so she’s family now.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 14, 2020
Did you know?
If you hold a bowl of broccoli up to your ear, you can hear the sound of a toddler screaming for grilled cheese.
— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) May 10, 2020
quarantined babies don’t even know about crying in restaurants yet
— jo (@WhaJoTalkinBout) May 13, 2020
27 hours of labor was worth it because when I shake my baby’s chunky leg and go “Ring ring ring!” and then put his fat cannoli foot to my ear and say “Hello?!” he laughs so hard he barfs.
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) May 10, 2020
Every single parent in the history of kid’s birthday parties who was offered a slice of pizza and declined really wanted that pizza.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 10, 2020
I'd like to officially announce that I've lost 73 lbs over quarantine. My wife and I remain hopeful the kid will find his way home eventually.
— Tyler on the Chill (@_stylr) May 10, 2020
Welcome to parenthood. You'll find yourself asking your spouse ridiculous questions like, "do you mind if I take a shower?"
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 11, 2020
“clean your room or I will cut your hair again” is such an unexpected and fun parenting tool these days
— Just J (@junejuly12) May 13, 2020
Me: Nap time
Toddler: I not tired
Me: It’s not about you
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) May 11, 2020
[fifteen minutes into being a parent] WHY DONT YOU WANT TO SURVIVE
— *sigh*clops (@aotakeo) May 9, 2020
wife: aww the kids wrapped their mothers day gifts themselves
me: no I did them..
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 10, 2020
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn't sum up motherhood I don't know what does.
— Moderately Mom (@momtribevibe) May 10, 2020
My daughter woke up, came halfway down the stairs wrapped in her comforter, said she would be avoiding everyone and asked me to hand her some cheese. My daughter is a whole mood.
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) May 13, 2020
My two year old ran into my room first thing thing this morning, and then, clearly coached, shouted “happy Mother’s Day mommy!” And then before i could respond, she picked up a pair of scissors and said “can I play with this, it’s special to me.” It was the best. ❤️
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) May 10, 2020
3 year old: I WANT BLUE CUP!
Wife: It’s this cup or nothing
Me: Here’s some wine
Wife: I DON’T LIKE THIS GLASS - GET ME THE NICE SHAPED ONE
— ThreeTimeDaddy (@threetimedaddy) May 14, 2020
Dad law requires dads to say one of the following when ready to leave:
-Let's rock n roll
-Saddle up, partners
-Let's get the heck outta dodge
-Time to hit the road
-Let's blow this popsicle stand
-Let's hightail it outta here
-Let's get this show on the road
— The Dad (@thedad) May 13, 2020
7-year-old: I don't want a big cake for my birthday.
Me: That's very humble of you.
7: I want a small cake every day of the year.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 13, 2020
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 4, 2020
[on my death bed]
My kids: Oh Mom! What’s something we can do to make your last moments better? What do you need?
Them: Yes, Mom?
Me: I...want to be left alone for 20 minutes.
Them, lying on my hospital bed and eating from my tray: ok what else
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) May 14, 2020
Each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Preview photo credit: mommajessiec / twitter.com