Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways.
My son is learning morse code just so he can fart secret messages.
— Marl (@Marlebean) November 10, 2020
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) November 11, 2020
My daughter was in my room FaceTiming and walked out, so I changed my shirt and looked in the mirror and my daughters phone was in front of it with her friend still on FaceTime.
Love my life
— Chelle (@BombChelleMama) November 12, 2020
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) November 11, 2020
You know you're old when your kid has a teacher named McKinsey.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) November 9, 2020
If we are what we eat, I really need to figure out who keeps feeding my 3 year-old a daily order of miserable jackass.
— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) November 8, 2020
My 12yo son said “what the poop” I’m going to have to teach him to cuss so he doesn’t sound so lame
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) November 11, 2020
When do kids firmly grasp the concept of time? When referring to last week, my four year old says, "a yesterday that happened a long time ago."
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 10, 2020
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
— *sigh*clops (@aotakeo) November 11, 2020
I told my kids to clean their playroom. After being up there for many hours, they delivered this to me. pic.twitter.com/cEzRCADVOH
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) November 11, 2020
Taking my son on his second college tour tomorrow.
They don’t let you into the buildings so it’s mainly just walking around saying “Now picture yourself passed out near that bush” or “Imagine yourself throwing up out of that window”
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 9, 2020
One day when my teenager was upset I said "It is what it is," and now he says it to me every time I'm upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) November 10, 2020
Reason #678 bedtime is taking too long:
2yo insists the only way to open her bedroom door is to use her eyebrows.
— Mummy Dear (@ThatMummyLife) November 10, 2020
Kid: if lemonade has lemons in it, then does Powerade have powers in it?
Me: *sipping a Gatorade* I sure hope not
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) November 13, 2020
My son just announced that he's allergic to penis. I think he meant peanuts. It's okay, I use that excuse too, little buddy.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) November 9, 2020
My 8-year-old handed me her Christmas list and it’d be cheaper if I continue my relationship with the Nigerian Prince.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 12, 2020
It’s crazy how genetics work. Like sometimes my son will sit cross legged just like my dad does, or sometimes he’ll make me feel like sh*t about myself just like my dad does.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) November 10, 2020
In nine months a lot of baby girls are going to be named “Georgia” and “Four Seasons Total Landscaping.”
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) November 8, 2020
I asked my toddler what she put in her mouth, and she ran away from me as fast as her little legs would carry her. Nothing suspicious there.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) November 11, 2020
My kid keeps referring to himself as a human boy and now I’m starting to have doubts
— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) November 11, 2020
My daughter asked me what it's like to be a parent, so I followed her around asking, "why?" over and over until she started crying.
— яicку (@iinkedZombie) November 9, 2020
I’m having trouble being mad at my 8 y.o., whose teacher let me know that while he was supposed to be taking a standardized reading test he was on Google reviewing The Peanuts Movie.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) November 9, 2020
My daughter’s favorite hobby is pointing out how moms in TV shows and movies react to their kids’ bad behavior in a nicer way than I would have.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) November 10, 2020
Each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Preview photo credit: thearibradford / twitter.com