Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways.
My daughter will procrastinate anything by sitting on the potty for 15 minutes at a time, so clearly she’s practicing to be a dad
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) November 16, 2020
My four year old, when asked by a friend at day care why she has two mums and no dad, told her that her dad was eaten by a shark.
— Kate (@BakeKater) November 18, 2020
My 7yo drew a self portrait, gifted it to herself, and hung it up on her wall. From now on, I’m making her my life coach.
— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) November 17, 2020
The good news about the four month sleep regression is it can’t happen if you’ve never had a progression!
— Emily Favreau (@emilyfavreau) November 16, 2020
I was having a bad day and then I watched my kids step on the Legos I asked them to pick up 3 times, and now I'm having a good day.
— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) November 18, 2020
The most unrealistic part of the mandalorian is that he finds babysitters everywhere he goes
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) November 16, 2020
Parenthood is just one long never-ending chore of moving things to higher and higher shelves.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 15, 2020
My three-year-old son keeps calling him the Credible Hulk and it’s funnier than anything I’ve ever done or said.
— Sean O'Connor (@seanoconnz) November 16, 2020
As I was texting, my phone changed babies to rabies and perhaps I've been judging auto-correct too harshly all this time.
— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) November 14, 2020
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) November 16, 2020
I just sneezed and my kid shouted from his bedroom “bless you dad!” which is adorable. You know what else is adorable? GOING THE FU*K TO SLEEP
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) November 19, 2020
I regularly mix up my kids names and my dogs names, but yes please put me in charge of their education this year
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) November 19, 2020
I AM THE BEST AT PARENTING DURING A PANDEMIC! NOBODY DOES IT BETTER THAN ME!!
❗𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗰𝗹𝗮𝗶𝗺 𝗶𝘀 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝗽𝘂𝘁𝗲𝗱
— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) November 16, 2020
People: If you're just going to make fun of your kids on Twitter all day, then why did you have them?
Me: For starters, these jokes weren't going to write themselves.
— The Dad Briefsgiving™ (@SladeWentworth) November 16, 2020
My favorite part of remote learning is my 11yo getting mad at me when I suggest he do the things his teacher says he should be doing.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) November 16, 2020
Me: Listen. I just wanna enjoy my tea and sit here for a bit. This is my alone time.
My 6 year old, leaning his elbow into my lower abdomen: Sounds good. I’ll have alone time with you.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) November 17, 2020
Good morning to everyone except my toddler who is mad because I wouldn’t download a pregnancy app instead of a new game for him to play with on the iPad
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) November 15, 2020
They lied. Parenting doesn’t get easier. It gets louder, covered in acne, and more expensive.
— Sarah Cottrell (@HousewifePlus) November 16, 2020
My 3yo thinks the Beatles are Paul, George, Pingu and Joe Lemons and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) November 14, 2020
Wow. Who would have ever guessed someone would get injured playing *checks notes* “crotch darts”?!?!
*side eye at both my sons crying in the fetal position in the hallway*
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) November 16, 2020
I never thought my sons second grade teacher would see me via laptop in pjs trudging across my living room to go make coffee. I hate living in the future.
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) November 18, 2020
What has the pandemic taught you?
Parents: No matter how overwhelmed we get we can always get more overwhelmed.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) November 15, 2020
Having kids desensitizes you to absolutely insane behavior. My daughter just pulled up her shirt so the neck was around her face and starting dancing a jig while playing this tiny harmonica necklace she was wearing, and we all just smirked and went back to what we were doing.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) November 14, 2020
Inside a toddler's stomach: pic.twitter.com/b1sLizwcyE
— The Dad (@thedad) November 16, 2020
Each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Preview photo credit: HousewifePlus / twitter.com