The elementary school was playing The Killers as morning announcements lead-in music and one of the children asked if it was oldies.
I may never recover from this savage attack.
— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) October 20, 2020
My 4 year old just said, "Daddy, you're a good cook, but Mommy is even BETTER." I tried so hard not to react, but the truth is I've been waiting my whole life for this moment.
— Meena Harris (@meenaharris) October 19, 2020
Me: get off that Xbox, it's too violent
Son: what can we play instead?
Me: come sit down. this is hangman, an educational, family-friendly game where you get executed if you're dumb
— The Dad (@thedad) October 18, 2020
I guess it's time to get my Sunday going. These kids won't yell at themselves.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) October 18, 2020
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
— Dad on my Feet (@dad_on_my_feet) October 17, 2020
Nearly lost my kids in the park today
Would have gotten away with it too if an old lady didn’t help them find me
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) October 18, 2020
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like "wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don't know how to hire a band"
— SpacedMom (@copymama) October 19, 2020
My favorite toddler memory is when my daughter called her trail mix “nut snack”. I can still see the stunned faces of friends and family when she’d casually say things like, “I love eating nut snack,” or “mommy, taste my nut snack!”
— Rhyming Monster (@sarabellab123) October 22, 2020
Sure, trick or treating is off the table, but that doesn’t mean Halloween is cancelled. My child and I will he celebrating the old fashioned way, by burning an artisanal pentacle into our floor and summoning spirits from the netherworld
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) October 19, 2020
My 4 year old just counted to 20 by twos. Feeling like the best parent ever, I followed up by asking where the fu*k she learned to do that because it totally wasn’t from me.
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) October 18, 2020
This year for Halloween decorations I’m just using printouts of the school emails
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) October 22, 2020
I went through 21 hours of labor and 3 hours of pushing with no drugs and nothing about that prepared me for the intensity of living with a smart-mouthed tween.
— Sarah Cottrell (@HousewifePlus) October 19, 2020
You know how we put out the set of good dishes when company comes over?
Is it possible to have a set of good kids to put out as well? Asking for parents everywhere.
— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) October 18, 2020
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) October 17, 2020
Child [coming out of bedroom]: What language do babies think in?
Me [rubbing temples]: it's way too early for this
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 17, 2020
Kids really overestimate how much parents want to guess things.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 17, 2020
Dear parents, Here is another oddly named website your child needs to log into or else they will fail at life. I will send you a one-time code that will only work for 37 seconds and you can email me between noon and 12:15 yesterday if you need help. Thx for your partnership!
— Farah Miller (@farahlearned) October 20, 2020
I have to have a zoom call with my first graders teacher because she wrote “stupid poop” in the class zoom chat today.
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) October 22, 2020
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
— bacon popsiclestein 🦢 (@Gupton68) October 18, 2020
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 20, 2020
They’re handling contact tracing all wrong. What they really need is to hire a team of relentless toddlers looking for their mothers when she’s just trying to shower or pee alone.
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) October 19, 2020
Buy your toddler clothes with lots of snaps and buttons if you’ve ever thought it would be cool to do a puzzle that tries to kick you and run away while you solve it
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) October 20, 2020
KIDS: can we get a pet?
ME: no, I’m allergic
KIDS: to cats or dogs
ME: to inconvenience
— *sigh*clops (@aotakeo) October 18, 2020
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) October 20, 2020
Each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Preview photo credit: threetimedaddy / twitter.com