Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways.
95% of parenting is literally just spreading things on bread
— SpacedMom (@copymama) October 5, 2020
Beer before liquor, never been sicker, wine before soccer, ok this is actually somewhat tolerable.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 8, 2020
when I was in school, sandwich bags didn’t close. you just kinda folded it over itself and hoped for the best.
— 🎃 mom mom mom mom mom 🎃 (@notmythirdrodeo) October 8, 2020
I just realized that naming your kid Victor is more or less the same as naming them Winner
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) October 7, 2020
Fell asleep on the couch, woke up to my 2yo trying to feed me a sandwich. How’s your day going? 🙃
— 𝓛𝓸 ☠️ (@I_DrinkAndText) October 6, 2020
I asked my daughter if she knew why her soccer team was wearing pink jerseys this month and my son interrupted and said "for boobie cancer" and I'm a very proud mom
— Trick or Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) October 7, 2020
My favorite part of getting a child ready for school is when she says, "Oh yeah, it's Spirit Week and I need to dress like a tree today."
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 5, 2020
Reasons your toddler will wake up in the night:
Dropped stuffed animal
He realized he fell asleep and rage-woke himself up
No really, fu*k you mom, sleep is for the weak
— ☕New-ish Mom🍷 (@LifeThrewLemons) October 6, 2020
i had to try and explain why china is a country and also means fancy plates to my kid and now i’m sitting here mad at an entire language
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) October 8, 2020
2: Papa you're my best friend!
Me: Aw that's so sweet-
2: Now help me clean up these Legos.
— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) October 5, 2020
I tell my toddler to "ask nicely" and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I'm not even sure that he's wrong
— Not Another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) October 8, 2020
Yesterday I asked 3 how pre school was and she told me she didn’t like Karina because Karina cries really loudly so I said maybe Karina’s sad and 3 should be kind to her but at pick up today I heard Karina crying really loudly and now I don’t like her either
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) October 7, 2020
What level of Stockholm Syndrome is it when your kid is like “I’m building a Lego home for raccoons” and you’re like “ok” and he’s like “it’ll have robot security” and you’re like “ok” and then he asks if you’d like to hear more and you actually say “yes”?
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) October 5, 2020
my wife just grounded all kids from electronics and tv for 4 days and if you need me i'll be living anywhere else but here.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 4, 2020
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 6, 2020
My 5yo not wanting to brush her hair because her “hair is tired” is on another level of excuse that I think we can all learn from.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 3, 2020
My dad has been doing a huge amount of childcare for us in quarantine so I’m delighted to announce my 1-year old baby gestures and shrugs like a 64-year old Jewish man.
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) October 4, 2020
12yo: ahhh do you realize that this Christmas we'll get to buy presents FOR OUR DOG
— Nicole Chung (@nicolesjchung) October 7, 2020
Parenting is tricky like what do you do when your 4yo greets your 11yo with “hi ugly pen*s” which makes everyone laugh but then she starts saying other things about him are ugly so you tell her it’s not funny anymore and she gets upset cause you laughed the first time.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) October 8, 2020
Me: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: All of them?
4: *stomps back into the bathroom*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 9, 2020
The speed at which our baby goes from smiling to scream crying is something I actually really relate to in 2020.
— Emily Favreau (@emilyfavreau) October 6, 2020
Ok so I’m jealous that teachers have the power to mute my kids
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) October 7, 2020
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 6, 2020
The parenting books didn’t warn me that one day my 4 year old would ask me for, and I quote “a popsicle, but not a cold one”.
— 🕷Marissa 🧟♀️🎃 (@michimama75) October 5, 2020
Each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Preview photo credit: copymama / twitter.com