Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways.
Children are such magical little creatures; how they marvel at a field of dandelions, gleefully chase bubbles, are blown away by the consistency and color of their own feces. Just precious.
— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) September 28, 2020
the reason I prefer being around my own kids vs anyone else’s is because I have no issues telling mine to shut the hell up
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) September 30, 2020
[the house is absolutely quiet]
[I start to realize something is wrong when I can hear my own thoughts]
my 3yo: i’m not getting in trouble in the pantry!!!!
— hashtagtacos 🌮 (@VicVijayakumar) September 29, 2020
My 6-year-old asked me if parenting is hard and I’m not saying I lied, but I did the thing all parents do: I downplayed the truth just so someday I’ll get me some grandchildren.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 26, 2020
My kids don't always fall asleep in the car, but when they do it's just as we're pulling up at our destination.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) September 26, 2020
Having kids means you'll never be able to drive & sing along to your favorite song ever again.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 26, 2020
My sons started calling each other pudgy and skinny and I told them no body shaming, so now they're calling each other idiots which I'm totally cool with.
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) October 1, 2020
I wanted to text my daughter to tell her I love her, but then I remembered that I’d confiscated her phone and it was in my pocket.
— Goats? (@Gooooats) September 28, 2020
What I say: "don’t do that it’s dangerous"
What my toddler hears: "prove to me you’re not a coward"
— The Dad (@thedad) October 2, 2020
“Have kids” they said 😒😒 pic.twitter.com/g7n99juxOU
— Mitaaaa (@Mita_Mami23) September 28, 2020
4 year old: *punches me in the eye*
Her: *starts crying loudly*
Me: Why are you crying? YOU punched ME!
Her: YOU MADE ME SAD
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) September 29, 2020
For those of you wondering how the news cycle has impacted our household, we currently have a 1-year-old running around shouting, "Tax! Tax!"
— Zach Carter (@zachdcarter) September 28, 2020
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) September 28, 2020
Can Chris Wallace be replaced with a mom who’s been home with her kids since March? #Debates2020
— Wendi Aarons (@WendiAarons) September 30, 2020
My daughter is FaceTiming with a classmate. I just overheard her telling him she thinks my husband and I are spies. I have every intention of feeding this theory.
— Molly Erdman (@erdmanmolly) September 28, 2020
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 27, 2020
Parenting is mostly just making plans for little humans whose primary function is to thwart those plans.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 28, 2020
My 4yo thinks she looks just like Elsa because
“they both have necks”
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) September 28, 2020
I used to think hearing my toddler say “why?” over and over was the worst.
Then I thought hearing my kid say “no” over and over was the worst.
But now I realize that hearing my 10yo say “one sec!” over and over is ACTUALLY the worst.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) October 1, 2020
I explained to my daughter that when Netflix started they used to send you DVDs.
6yr old: (old lady voice) You know, back in my day, the internet used to come in the mail.
— Donald Zimmer (@zimmer_donald) September 27, 2020
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
— sad-a-saurus (@sad_saurus) September 30, 2020
4 wanted to cut her doll’s hair and I said no so we compromised and now she’s cutting her doll’s hair.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) September 28, 2020
If I had to describe the first year of parenting in two words it would be: Bodily Fluids
— amil (@amil) October 1, 2020
9yo: I had to move to a different table at school today
Me: because you were talking too much?
9yo: how did you KNOW?
Me: I too was frequently moved to a different table
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) September 29, 2020
Each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Preview photo credit: Mita_Mami23 / twitter.com