I won’t take up too much of your time, my idea is baby carrots that aren’t soaking wet
— Karli Marulli (@VeryFineHat) April 13, 2020
can everyone mute is the new per my last email
— Ashley Fern (@disco_infern0) April 14, 2020
Brought to tears thinking about this one time my friend and I were coincidentally in the same area so we grabbed a drink in a bar together
— Rachel Sennott (@Rachel_Sennott) April 13, 2020
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more sh*t in her house right about now.
— pony starwars (@tigersgoroooar) April 15, 2020
Please someone stop me from buying a mini trampoline, which seems like a great idea right now for some reason
— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) April 15, 2020
— Taffy Brodesser-Akner (@taffyakner) April 16, 2020
I don’t know who needs to hear this right now but I recently found out the long hair on the back of dogs’ legs is called pants and I haven’t stopped thinking about it.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) April 15, 2020
if i saw one dog give birth to 99 dalmations i would call the fu*king police
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) April 12, 2020
the biggest downfall of these “which quarantine house” posts is that I do not care WHO is in them I want to know WHICH have POOLS
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) April 14, 2020
Can someone fix bacon packaging this has gone on long enough
— Mary H.K. Choi (@choitotheworld) April 15, 2020
When girls with small breasts don't put on a bra they're like "Hee hee! I'm so lazy" but when I do it they're like SLOPPY LUNATIC INJURES DOZENS IN SUPERMARKET
— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) April 15, 2020
There are three moms who briskly power walk at 8 AM in a perfect, six-foot distanced triangle like a formation of WWII bombers, and they are this neighborhood's first line of defense.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 15, 2020
Work from home log: blasted 'Before He Cheats' a little too loudly, prompting my roommate to text and check if I was OK
— Ella Cerón (@ellaceron) April 15, 2020
Well, millennials finally stopped going out for avocado toast. Can everybody afford a house now?
— Jennifer Wright (@JenAshleyWright) April 12, 2020
current mental status: attic wife in a Brontë novel
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) April 13, 2020
Watching Trolls 2 while having a daytime margarita is something I would’ve been doing regardless of Covid.
— amber ruffin (@ambermruffin) April 13, 2020
INTERVIEWER: ... Why should we hire you?
ME: I bring something different to the table
INTERVIEWER: Oh? What’s that?
ME: [sets down my pet raccoon]
INTERVIEWER: Can you start today?
— Roxi Horror 💀🌸 (@roxiqt) April 12, 2020
leaving my bedroom and going to the living room mid-day pic.twitter.com/YODYqRGu8i
— hunter harris (@hunteryharris) April 17, 2020
Visit our "Funniest Tweets From Women" page for past roundups.
Preview photo credit: choitotheworld / twitter.com