#1

Hey sharks
I won’t take up too much of your time, my idea is baby carrots that aren’t soaking wet

— Karli Marulli (@VeryFineHat) April 13, 2020

#2

can everyone mute is the new per my last email

— Ashley Fern (@disco_infern0) April 14, 2020

#3

Brought to tears thinking about this one time my friend and I were coincidentally in the same area so we grabbed a drink in a bar together

— Rachel Sennott (@Rachel_Sennott) April 13, 2020

#4

bet marie kondo is wishing she had more sh*t in her house right about now.

— pony starwars (@tigersgoroooar) April 15, 2020

#5

Please someone stop me from buying a mini trampoline, which seems like a great idea right now for some reason

— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) April 15, 2020

#6

OK I just went onto the King Arthur flour website and had to click a "this site uses cookies" thing and reader, I laughed

— Taffy Brodesser-Akner (@taffyakner) April 16, 2020

#7

I don’t know who needs to hear this right now but I recently found out the long hair on the back of dogs’ legs is called pants and I haven’t stopped thinking about it.

— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) April 15, 2020

#8

if i saw one dog give birth to 99 dalmations i would call the fu*king police

— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) April 12, 2020

#9

the biggest downfall of these “which quarantine house” posts is that I do not care WHO is in them I want to know WHICH have POOLS

— Karen Chee (@karencheee) April 14, 2020

#10

Can someone fix bacon packaging this has gone on long enough

— Mary H.K. Choi (@choitotheworld) April 15, 2020

#11

When girls with small breasts don't put on a bra they're like "Hee hee! I'm so lazy" but when I do it they're like SLOPPY LUNATIC INJURES DOZENS IN SUPERMARKET

— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) April 15, 2020

#12

There are three moms who briskly power walk at 8 AM in a perfect, six-foot distanced triangle like a formation of WWII bombers, and they are this neighborhood's first line of defense.

— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 15, 2020

#13

Work from home log: blasted 'Before He Cheats' a little too loudly, prompting my roommate to text and check if I was OK

— Ella Cerón (@ellaceron) April 15, 2020

#14

Well, millennials finally stopped going out for avocado toast. Can everybody afford a house now?

— Jennifer Wright (@JenAshleyWright) April 12, 2020

#15

current mental status: attic wife in a Brontë novel

— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) April 13, 2020

#16

Watching Trolls 2 while having a daytime margarita is something I would’ve been doing regardless of Covid.

— amber ruffin (@ambermruffin) April 13, 2020

#17

INTERVIEWER: ... Why should we hire you?

ME: I bring something different to the table

INTERVIEWER: Oh? What’s that?

ME: [sets down my pet raccoon]

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

RACCOON:

INTERVIEWER: Can you start today?

RACCOON: No

— Roxi Horror 💀🌸 (@roxiqt) April 12, 2020

#18

leaving my bedroom and going to the living room mid-day pic.twitter.com/YODYqRGu8i

— hunter harris (@hunteryharris) April 17, 2020

Visit our "Funniest Tweets From Women" page for past roundups.

Preview photo credit: choitotheworld / twitter.com