anyone who’s lactose intolerant have you considered being tolerant? seriously grow up it’s 2020
— brittany (@brittany_broski) August 17, 2020
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
— Girl Who Came to Stay (@Mom_Overboard) August 16, 2020
I’m like a croissant. I’m sweet but will flake on you.
— Hannah Berner (@beingbernz) August 16, 2020
why do we call them olives and not Greece’s pieces
— Kerry on Wayward Son (@EmissaryKerry) August 17, 2020
kidz bop version of WAP is gonna be like: there's some chores in this house
— Sophie (@sophie_mhj) August 16, 2020
me in 2019: ~* dO ONe tHiNg EvERy DaY tHaT sCaReS U*~
me in 2020: do one thing every day!!!!!!!!!!!!!(eating counts)
— Catherine Cohen (@catcohen) August 16, 2020
A spicy wine? Oh you mean a jalapiñot?
— Caitlin (@caithuls) August 17, 2020
how are all of you regressing? i listened to a coheed and cambria song earlier
— david byrnes scream at the end of road to nowhere (@rachelmillman) August 17, 2020
i have written 10 words so i will reward myself by checking my various apps for 45 minutes
— taylor garron (@casualafro) August 18, 2020
pumpkins were invented in 1973 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys
— kim. (@KimmyMonte) August 16, 2020
watering my plants from my water bottle is so intimate ... like sip 4 u then sip 4 me lolol
— none ya (@loveliYungWoman) August 18, 2020
To All The Boys I Ever Suggested Therapy To
— Bolu Babalola (@BeeBabs) August 16, 2020
How old were you when you realized Lindsay Lohan doesn’t have a twin
— Michaela Okland (@MichaelaOkla) August 17, 2020
— Rachel Pegram (@rachelpegram) August 19, 2020
my boyfriend and i go to Taco Bell. what do you want i ask him. a baja blast? no. he gets down on one knee. i want something that will baja last. will you marry me? they ring the taco bell. we live happily ever after mas.
— ꧁𝕸𝖆𝖉𝖎𝖒𝖔𝖎𝖘𝖊𝖑𝖑𝖊꧂ (@drivingmemadi) August 16, 2020
When someone older pauses while speaking I think, ah yes, you’re putting two spaces after each period
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) August 20, 2020
Is "I wanna see what one would look like stacked on top of my dog" a good reason to have a baby?
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) August 17, 2020
I just whipped up pancakes from scratch without a recipe. 🙌🏾 (No, they were not good.)
— Akilah Green (@akilahgreen) August 16, 2020
recipe: use two cloves of garlic
me: got it pic.twitter.com/WdfXwfXxwg
— 敏儀 | BLM #JunkTerrorLaw (@monyeeart) August 17, 2020
me after begging my friends to take a picture of me pic.twitter.com/rm237EkQEw
— cai (@myhandsbecold) August 15, 2020
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Preview photo credit: BeeBabs / twitter.com