aioli is just mayo that studied abroad
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) August 25, 2020
my onlyfans? you mean my parents
— Gwen Thomas (@gwenthomas33) August 26, 2020
guy joined zoom class shirtless and the tutor told him to turn his video off and so he did and it just displayed his profile pic of him shirtless at the beach
— Rover Hendrix (@audrocur) August 27, 2020
Hear me out: the Vatican, but for cats, and we call it the Catican
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) August 25, 2020
I am always too afraid to exclaim, “in THIS economy??” bc I don’t know how the economy works and am nervous someone will ask a follow up question
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) August 25, 2020
i miss three-times-a-year-at-a-party acquaintances most of all
— monicaheisey (@monicaheisey) August 23, 2020
I’m personally obsessed that when I called my local used bookstore to ask when they open the owner said “Usually it’s 11, but I’m in the middle of a lover’s quarrel so today it’s more like 12.”
— sara tardiff (@saratardiff) August 23, 2020
all edward cullen does is lie and glisten
— ziwe (@ziwe) August 23, 2020
y’all be like “we had so much fun at our ‘socially distanced’ dinner party!” pic.twitter.com/knAjiA0fFx
— samantha reid (@sammmreid) August 24, 2020
If I tell you “have a blessed day” at the end of a tense conversation, we are done talking lol.
— brittany packnett cunningham does not do remixes. (@MsPackyetti) August 25, 2020
sincerely do not get why straight women spend their time on here complaining about the men they date. my bf made me watch him try on cargo pants and said “these pockets will be so great, in case we find a rock or something.” love it. no notes
— I hope this is satire... (@sablaah) August 25, 2020
do you think a dog knows he looks handsome when he wears a little bandanna
— rax ‘birthday’ king (@RaxKingIsDead) August 22, 2020
I was never considered cute in high school but several people have admitted that they were deeply afraid of me and I think that’s a good trade off
— Fossilized Tree Resin (@Jamberee13) August 26, 2020
forever surprised that my best business idea — “is this flirting?” a service that analyzes an interaction and gives you read on whether or not it’s flirting — hasn’t been snapped up!
— Jazmine Hughes (@jazzedloon) August 24, 2020
my grama has 3 facebooks but thinks she only has 1. so my sister will text me like “did u see gramas post?” and im like “which account?” and then she has to describe which of the 3 profile pics i should click on
— holmes holmes (@_holmes_holmes) August 27, 2020
Wearing a mask with sunglasses gives me a level of anonymity I’ve desired.
— its only my 11,208 day out here idk (@tweetlikeriri) August 25, 2020
I thought about doing something productive. Then I laid down for a few minutes, and the feeling passed.
— Akilah Green (@akilahgreen) August 23, 2020
In the 7th grade a girl told me that she and the other girls had been talking & decided that I was probably "most likely to leave school in an ambulance"
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) August 24, 2020
we’ll be in september next week but mentally i’m still in the whipped coffee phase of quarantine
— 𝒪. (@xrkide) August 24, 2020
postmates texting you like:
-we got the order
-we're making it
-the guys making it are talking about last night's game while it cooks
-we made it, now we're giving it a kiss and waving goodbye
-It's on it's way
-your driver is listening to The Eagles
-Driver is so close
— Niccole Thurman (@niccolethurman) August 26, 2020
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Preview photo credit: gwenthomas33 / twitter.com