I miss being at a bar with friends and wishing I was at home.
— Ego Nwodim (@eggy_boom) July 26, 2020
My fifth grade boyfriend got married yesterday and yes my sixth grade boyfriend was there. I just HOPE they didn’t make the night about ME
— Katie Kershaw (@katie_newshoes) July 26, 2020
if adults called you an "old soul" when you were a kid you're on at least one anti-depressant now
— Lane Moore (@hellolanemoore) July 27, 2020
you can use chicken strips as money that is why they are called tender
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) July 25, 2020
How old were you when you learned your parents were lying and that it‘s actually not illegal to turn on a light in the car when you’re driving?
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) July 28, 2020
If you're over 35 whatever you're about to buy, you already have it. Two in some cases. Go look.
— Janelle James (@janellejcomic) July 29, 2020
I was hoping to get knocked up by someone with a good job this year. Instead, I’ve rewatched five seasons of Designing Women.
— Akilah Green (@akilahgreen) July 29, 2020
at the beginning of pandemic: I am going to get abs and learn to do the splits
currently in pandemic: I should start smoking cigarettes
— I hope this is satire... (@sablaah) July 26, 2020
business idea: books w/ the pages numbered backwards so it counts down how many pages you have left (exciting!)
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) July 29, 2020
as someone born between christmas and new years I can’t pretend I take no pleasure in seeing the summer birthdays brought to their knees
— Sarah Lazarus (@sarahclazarus) July 28, 2020
I’m not really hungry so I’m just gonna have an apple and enough pasta to fuel a track team
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) July 27, 2020
If I was Maria and I was hearing them sing "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria" at my wedding I would be like, why are you singing that mean song about me & why do all of you know it
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) July 26, 2020
putting a beer in the freezer when you have ADD is dicey
— Imani Gandy ☄️🌏🔥 (@AngryBlackLady) July 30, 2020
I didn’t know how to say “pigeon” in Japanese so I just said “bird of garbage” and I think I got the point across
— zoë “leonardo doujinshi” quinn (@UnburntWitch) July 27, 2020
After 4 months of social distancing I feel like Jack in The Shining could have kept it together a little better. He had THREE people to talk to and a HUGE HOUSE with LOTS OF GHOST FRIENDS.
— Jennifer Wright (@JenAshleyWright) July 30, 2020
The funniest thing ive ever seen in my life was whn this kid at a party pulled up his trust fund balance to impress me and my friends and my friend went “whoa let me see that” and then threw his phone across the room
— helena (@freshhel) July 26, 2020
two different women have tried to cut the line at the postal place by saying they were “just dropping off packages” like the rest of us were there for the love of the line
— Becca O'Neal 🍒🍒 (@becca_oneal) July 28, 2020
I feel like a lot of people are realizing things in quarantine and personally I have realized that baseball doesn’t have halftime
— Amanda Mull (@amandamull) July 26, 2020
I hugged a man in Reno just to watch him die
— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) July 28, 2020
I should put a bra in my earthquake kit.
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) July 30, 2020
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Preview photo credit: AkilahObviously / twitter.com