If you tip $100 at Cold Stone Creamery, the staff has to perform Les Miserables in its entirety.
— Grace Christmas 🎄☃️🎄 (@GraceGThomas) November 11, 2020
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 10, 2020
Yeah, it's true, I lost my virginity to George Clooney. George Clooney Total Landscaping.
— Emily Nussbaum (@emilynussbaum) November 9, 2020
when your family's pissed you forgot to buy pizza rolls again pic.twitter.com/HuChazuFiZ
— maura quint (@behindyourback) November 10, 2020
“I put my thang down flip it and reverse it, it’s your bamlanivimab, it’s your bamlanivimab” https://t.co/lf37M8t3p7
— Robin Thede (@robinthede) November 10, 2020
one of my odd pleasures is when writers make a character say overly detailed sentences for viewers. Like “let’s have dinner with our kids Joey and Timmy before you head back to Toronto for your 5 day work retreat!”
— chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) November 8, 2020
I know my therapist will always be helpful and supportive but I would laugh so hard if one day she was just like seriously bit*h? again? we’re talking about this again? there’s people that are dying ellie
— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) November 10, 2020
would way rather have my nudes leaked than my earnest journal entries that say things like “i don’t know what’s next for me... whatever life has in store...”
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) November 12, 2020
If I die and anyone says I passed away “peacefully” it’s a lie. Don’t buy it. I passed away bit*hing the whole time.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) November 8, 2020
Every day around midnight, I'm shocked to find out it's only 6pm.
— 𝐩𝐡𝐞𝗼𝐧𝐢𝐱 🧚🏽 (@koolgalkay) November 11, 2020
Make sure your vaccine is from Pfizer and not Pfizer Landscaping.
— krupali (@krupali) November 9, 2020
I’m about to call my favorite exboyfriend and tell him he’s not married to that lovely lady, I’m suing to have the votes recounted, and actually he and I are still dating.
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) November 10, 2020
when mom calls: pic.twitter.com/v2dJtwutBh
— shelby wolstein (@ShelbyWolstein) November 8, 2020
it’s not actually a coup unless it comes from the coup d'état region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling authoritarian takeover
— rémy anne (@Remy_Anne) November 10, 2020
Me after the election: I’ll never be sad again
Me 15 minutes later: never mind
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) November 10, 2020
alex trebek was proof that you can be a kind person who also bullies nerds, 100% legend
— Olivia Craighead (@oliviacraighead) November 8, 2020
i think society won't be satisfied with BEFORE & AFTER weight loss pictures until there's a woman on the left side & just an empty pile of clothes on the ground on the right side WOW WHAT'S HER SECRET?!
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) November 10, 2020
I’m not saying my grandparents *worship* me, that would be crazy. I’m just saying they have 8 pics of me around the apartment and only 1 pic of jesus
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) November 9, 2020
alright what book about history and/or airplanes are we getting our dads for christmas
— Anna Fitzpatrick (@bananafitz) November 10, 2020
Upped my age limit to 42 on hinge and now these men message me at 6 am “Hello, Blair. How are you? -Tim”
— Blair Socci (@blairsocci) November 11, 2020
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Preview photo credit: alyssalimp / twitter.com