every time a hot person posts a screen shot of a text convo you can see that they have like 500 unread texts. when you’re hot do people just like... text you???
— Rachel Wenitsky (@RachelWenitsky) October 20, 2020
I did that thing where you insist on wearing makeup during the pandemic, and now the inside of my mask looks like I chloroformed a clown.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) October 20, 2020
my dog when im trying to take his ball so I can throw it for him: 𝖙𝖍𝖎𝖘 𝖎𝖘 𝖒𝖞 𝖇𝖆𝖑𝖑😠
my dog when I'm eating: ☭ 𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓈 𝒾𝓈 𝑜𝓊𝓇 𝒻𝑜𝑜𝒹 ☭
— quoth the RAEven🎃 (@PAYOLETTER) October 21, 2020
to remind you https://t.co/M6YwRDZ1PB
— Alanis Morissette (@Alanis) October 22, 2020
I can always cunt on autocorrect.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 23, 2020
I can’t walk the walk or talk the talk, but if you need someone to snack the snack, I’m your girl.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) October 20, 2020
my mom used to pinch the tip of my shoes and say “you’ve got plenty of room to grow,” and now i do the same thing when bra shopping
— sarah schauer 🦂 (@sarahschauer) October 18, 2020
You: 40 years ago--
Me: ah, so 1960
You: No, 1980.
— Olivia Hofer (@oghofer) October 17, 2020
Saw my dog drinking water and said "YES, I love that for you." Maybe I spend too much time online but, I really do stan a well hydrated queen 🤷🏾♀️
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) October 20, 2020
running late sh*t my mask pic.twitter.com/z22hh8sw2L
— ella (@nelliescrain) October 20, 2020
I wish there was no period between election day and inauguration, and every sitting president had to have their bags packed on election night like it was an episode of The Bachelor.
— Taffy Brodesser-Akner (@taffyakner) October 19, 2020
"Aww really? thanks :)" -me if I was on a show called "America's Most Wanted"
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) October 20, 2020
seems a little extreme pic.twitter.com/Boliaj3yXR
— hueylewis sagdiyev (@sophsa) October 18, 2020
I’m not using a damn candy chute, I’m going to pelt kids with Milky Ways & candy corn from 6’ away, toughen up Zoomers, it’s 2020.
— Gremliny Nussboo (@emilynussbaum) October 18, 2020
you say you'd never join a cult but you promote your ugly boyfriend's weird podcast? you're already in one
— Becca O'Neal 🍒🍒 (@becca_oneal) October 20, 2020
me: I don't need to write it down, I'll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) October 19, 2020
ppl protesting for disneyland to open so they can walk around in the blazing sun for 7 hours to go on 3 rides then have the worst family fight in years and silently drive home
— liz w(erewolf) 🧸🕸🎃 (@reservoird0gs) October 19, 2020
Me, after housing a pint of ice cream, crying over a car commercial and contemplating quitting my job to run away forever: pic.twitter.com/KTH41xrMKu
— Niccole Thurman (@niccolethurman) October 17, 2020
the good news is I’ll reply to your email in 1-3 business days. the bad news is my business days will resume Spring 2022
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) October 22, 2020
Mark Ruffalo sounds like the name a dog would give if he was pretending to be a man.
— Ꮍᴀᴇʟ (@elle91) October 20, 2020
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Preview photo credit: nelliescrain / twitter.com