Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
I’ve been married for over 10 years I shave my legs for my freshly cleaned sheets not my husband
— Vision Bored🎄 (@VisionBored1) June 13, 2020
You ever just spend 2 years talking about air fryers with your spouse and still not be sure if it’s worth the counter space sacrifice?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 15, 2020
Good morning to everyone except my husband who was using my vibrator to massage his feet.
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) October 8, 2020
TV volume: 1
Wife: CAN YOU TURN THAT DOWN?!
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) June 7, 2020
Gonna have to ask my husband to pluck the chin hairs I can’t seem to grip. We’re here now.
— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) September 7, 2020
Every time my wife calls me creepy, I remind her that she has a baggie of our children’s baby teeth in her bedside drawer.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) September 21, 2020
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
— Jingle Bell Jawbreaker 🎄 (@sixfootcandy) September 29, 2020
My wife is also working from home now and she likes to whisper everything she types. So that’s fu*king great.
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) March 20, 2020
My husband thought I was flirting.
I don’t have the heart to tell him that I was just licking the salsa that had fallen between my fingers
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) October 20, 2020
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
— dADDisms (@Beagz) July 17, 2020
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) August 9, 2020
My husband was in a virtual meeting but I needed something from the desk next to him, so I slid across the floor on my knees but everyone could see me anyway so they all just went quiet to watch me scooting across the floor on my knees and how is this year not over yet?
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) September 21, 2020
Me *calling wife* should I get one or two hotdogs
Me *to tattoo artist* yeah one on each arm
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) August 7, 2020
Husband: Does it bother you when I —
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 12, 2020
Rage vacuuming is like regular vacuuming except you’re married.
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) February 11, 2020
For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald's at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said "I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again."
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) August 2, 2020
My wife is taking a walk to listen to the new Fiona Apple album without distraction and I hope she comes home instead of joining a coven of other Brooklyn women on the same journey she is.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) April 17, 2020
My wife has been getting at least one package delivered to our house every day for the last seven months.
Today something came for me and in a judgmental tone she said "What did you order?"
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) September 21, 2020
If I had to pick my favorite thing about marriage, it would be my wife scolding me for doing the same thing I watched her do only 5 minutes ago.
— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) May 12, 2020
I have a wife and two daughters. They can never find a hair tie and I can never stop finding them.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 24, 2020
MY WIFE IS NAPPING AND I HAVE TO SNEEZE THIS IS NOT GOING TO END WELL FOR ME
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 25, 2020
My wife came outside to tell me a funny thing she heard that I told her an hour ago.
— Aunt Chelle 😷 ☕️✊🏽 (@ravenswng_) June 13, 2020
I just stubbed my toe and said “I hate it here!” but because my husband is not really on the internet, he took it kinda personally.
— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) July 31, 2020
Marriage is having separate tubes of toothpaste because your spouse squeezes it wrong
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 5, 2020
I miss how my wife would say “he’s a rescue” whenever I misbehaved at parties.
— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) August 28, 2020
I just asked my husband what he’s up to today and he responded “none of your business” so quarantine is going well
— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) May 16, 2020
Me: *just finished cleaning toilets*
Husband: can I pee in our bathroom?
Me: you can pee outside
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) July 4, 2020
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
— The Mummy Claus (@ThatMummyLife) March 18, 2020
Husbands be like, “These are the shirts my wife makes me wear in public and those are the shirts I’ve owned for 20 years that are in various stages of disintegration.“
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 27, 2020
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
— Jingle Bell Jawbreaker 🎄 (@sixfootcandy) October 17, 2020
Husband, “I’m going to the store, do you need anything?”
Me, “A bottle of champagne.”
Husband, “Oh, I got you one yesterday.”
Me, “I said what I said.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) November 5, 2020
Unsolicited marriage advice for the day:
Get your own comforter.
— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) February 9, 2020
Husband: “Today’s the first time that I‘ve noticed you’ve aged..”
Me: (raises eyebrow)
Husband: “You’re handsome, you just look more like a father who works in senior management and not a guy going to music festivals with his mates”
I’m now sobbing into my anti age cream..
— Steve 🏳️🌈 (@papaneedscoffee) September 13, 2020
Before marrying someone, listen long and hard to the sounds of their chewing because that's the soundtrack to the rest of your life.
— Lil Bit of Holiday Cheer 🌈 (@LizerReal) October 16, 2020
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the poop smell*
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 11, 2020
My wife managed to open a jar of pickles herself and I am now nonessential.
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) May 6, 2020
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
— Lil Bit of Holiday Cheer 🌈 (@LizerReal) November 2, 2020
I like being married because I can say things like “jeez I am so damn gassy today” and still end up getting laid later.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) October 5, 2020
Him: Do you sleep with a fan?
Me: I'd say my wife mostly likes me, but fan is pushing it
— The Dad (@thedad) October 17, 2020
Wife: Today was awful.
Me: Tomorrow is a new day.
Wife: Is that a threat?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 31, 2020
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me and I’m not sure if I should go home or disappear and start a new life.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 21, 2020
Really good football today so my husband is bringing in tvs from every room and putting them all over our den so now my house looks like a Buffalo Wild Wings.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) September 26, 2020
They say communication is important in a marriage so I just sent my husband 6 consecutive texts explaining why I’m right.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 8, 2020
If you have to tell your wife “it was a joke,” it’s already too late. Godspeed.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 9, 2020
“You’re making this so much more complicated than it needs to be”, he says, clearly forgetting who he married
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) August 21, 2020
Wife: I just saw a spider in the bath!
Me: Good for him, self-care is important.
Me:…yeah I’ll go take it outside
— The Dad (@thedad) November 18, 2020
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
— Darla (@ddsmidt) February 6, 2020
Wife: [still sleeping]
Me: [tiptoes around in socks, whispers, uses headphones for TV]
Me: [still sleeping]
Wife: [runs blender, organizes baking pans, sings "Oklahoma!"]
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 15, 2020
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it's only been 4 days, but I'm starting to think he might be wrong.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) November 24, 2020
Question: when your marriage counselor starts eating popcorn during your zoom session is that insulting or kinda flattering
— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) November 27, 2020
Read on for more relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Preview photo credit: 9to5buzz, iamexpat.de