Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
Me: My friend Mary is pregnant.
[10 YEARS LATER]
Husband: Hey, did your friend Mary have her baby?
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 9, 2020
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 16, 2020
My daughter asked me what marriage was like and I nodded and said that sounded great. Then she asked me if I was even listening.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 7, 2020
I forgot my mask and my husband’s running back to the car to get it, a 2020 romance.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) July 12, 2020
In our marriage we keep the magic alive by plucking each other’s rogue ear and chin hairs.
— Momsense Ensues (@momsense_ensues) July 16, 2020
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot of stuff online, I’m just saying my dog recognizes the sound of an Amazon Prime van approaching.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 17, 2020
The worst part of working from home is having my wife hear all the work jargon I use. I told someone I'd be "out of pocket this afternoon." She asked me what that meant and I told her I literally have no idea.
— Das Skoogeth (@Skoog) July 9, 2020
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
— dADDisms (@Beagz) July 17, 2020
My wife can remember what I said on November 18 2013, but can't remember the Netflix password she changed last week.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) July 13, 2020
Me: *swings door open*
Welcome to our pandemic summer house.
Husband: This is just our toolshed with a starfish nailed to the door.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 16, 2020
You know you’re a parent when after sex, the wife looks over and informs you that Buzz Lightyear just got the show of his lifetime.
— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) July 12, 2020
My wife: Will you put on some music for the drive home?
My wife: *skips 7 songs in a row* Sorry, I’m just trying to get past the Taylor Swift.
Me: Well, I put on Taylor Swift radio, so good luck with that
— lucy bexley 🪁🌈 (@bexley_lucy) July 19, 2020
It doesn’t matter how long I’m married I’m still pissed that hotels don’t have fans in the bathrooms to cover up the potty business going on.
— Nonchalant Charlotte (@jellybnbonanza) July 13, 2020
The news is so disturbing and anxiety inducing so to relax my husband and I are watching The Shining
— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) July 13, 2020
me: just finished working out
wife: stop calling eating chicken wings as fast as you can a workout.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 11, 2020
My wife smiled and said good morning to me today, there is either a plan for my demise or there's a sale at DSW.
— Forward March (@RunOldMan) July 12, 2020
My wife won an argument with four sighs, two eyerolls and zero words.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) July 13, 2020
Just when you think your marriage is boring you start watching Netflix together, naked.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) July 18, 2020
My wife had me install a super bright motion-sensing flood light and now it looks like I’m trying to escape a prison when I walk outside at night.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) July 12, 2020
Every restaurant I’ve ever been to my husband takes a bite of whatever he ordered and says, “You gotta taste this.”
Bad or good, it doesn’t matter. It must be tasted.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) July 11, 2020
My wife walks on water. But only because I tried to fix the plumbing again.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) July 12, 2020
They say communication is important in a marriage so I just sent my husband 6 consecutive texts explaining why I’m right.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 8, 2020
My husband brought home unfrosted Pop-Tarts and now I have to file for divorce. We had a good run.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 13, 2020
I love that cute married thing we do where I put too many throw pillows on the bed every morning & my husband chucks them off the bed every night.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) July 18, 2020
Just found a black thong tucked inside my bedsheets that I knew didn’t belong to me so I called my husband over to ask wth that is. So anyway funny story... turns out a thong looks a lot like a face mask.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) July 17, 2020
Read on for more relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Preview photo credit: Social_Mime / twitter.com