Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.

#1

My husband complained that I don't do any housework. Um, excuse me, it's not like the salt & pepper shakers fill themselves, mister.

— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) October 31, 2020

#2

WIFE: [watching me unwrap a 10th piece of candy] how many of those are you going to eat?

ME: it’s the weekend, this is how i party now

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) November 7, 2020

#3

Has anyone else reached the “husband playing guitar alone in the bedroom” phase of Election Day

— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) November 3, 2020

#4

When I feel like my husband seems to relaxed, I’ll just start a sentence with “y’know, I’ve been thinking...”

— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) October 27, 2020

#5

The wife asked if I was still in the shower, it's like she knew I was hiding in there all this time.

— Forward March (@RunOldMan) November 3, 2020

#6

The best way to make sure my husband doesn’t follow instructions is to give him instructions.

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) November 5, 2020

#7

I went ahead and put up my Christmas tree yesterday. Now I can put all the presents my husband didn't know he bought for me under there.

— Felicia (@LostFelicia) November 6, 2020

#8

Husband, “I’m going to the store, do you need anything?”
Me, “A bottle of champagne.”
Husband, “Oh, I got you one yesterday.”
Me, “I said what I said.”

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) November 5, 2020

#9

STOP THE COUNT!!
- Me, to my wife when she counts the number of drinks I had

— karanbir singh (@karanbirtinna) November 6, 2020

#10

My husband was surprised to learn that my daughter’s Wednesday swim lesson was being held on a Wednesday again.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 4, 2020

#11

My wife accidentally threw one of my shirts in the dryer.

On the bright side I now have a new belly shirt for when we go clubbing.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) November 8, 2020

#12

My husband just found a recipe for cauliflower taco "meat" so we're gonna need a divorce lawyer.

— Black Lives Matter Betty (@EzMacArt) November 2, 2020

#13

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) November 2, 2020

#14

I haven't waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) November 5, 2020

#15

My husband said the dogs’ Halloween costumes were an unnecessary expense. Looks like the Grinch is stealing more than Christmas this year, y’all.

— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) October 29, 2020

#16

wife: let's just run into Target really quick

me, 45 min later: you think we can grab some lunch soon

wife: pic.twitter.com/W8FvgplpJB

— The Dad (@thedad) November 8, 2020

#17

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 9, 2020

#18

Ohh goodie...

The season to be pissed off at your spouse for leaving their Kleenex in their pants that’s now in the lint catcher is upon us.

yay.

— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) November 8, 2020

#19

My mother gave me a Tupperware of dulce de leche which is now empty and my wife is trying to convince me that "it evaporated because it's made with evaporated milk".

— jess salomon (@jess_salomon) November 5, 2020

#20

Wife: I made a cake.

Me: What's the occasion?

Wife: I wanted cake.

The best occasion of all.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 28, 2020

#21

I thought I was happily married & then my husband put the toilet paper on the wrong way.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) November 1, 2020

#22

Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) November 9, 2020

#23

Sure I hate doing stupid things but what I really hate is knowing that I just gave my husband ammunition for our next fight

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) November 9, 2020

#24

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) November 2, 2020

#25

My wife leaning on the kitchen counter with her head in her hands is the human equivalent of the “5% battery remaining” warning. "

— The Dad (@thedad) November 2, 2020

Read on for more relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.

Preview photo credit: thedad / twitter.com