Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
My husband complained that I don't do any housework. Um, excuse me, it's not like the salt & pepper shakers fill themselves, mister.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) October 31, 2020
WIFE: [watching me unwrap a 10th piece of candy] how many of those are you going to eat?
ME: it’s the weekend, this is how i party now
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) November 7, 2020
Has anyone else reached the “husband playing guitar alone in the bedroom” phase of Election Day
— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) November 3, 2020
When I feel like my husband seems to relaxed, I’ll just start a sentence with “y’know, I’ve been thinking...”
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) October 27, 2020
The wife asked if I was still in the shower, it's like she knew I was hiding in there all this time.
— Forward March (@RunOldMan) November 3, 2020
The best way to make sure my husband doesn’t follow instructions is to give him instructions.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) November 5, 2020
I went ahead and put up my Christmas tree yesterday. Now I can put all the presents my husband didn't know he bought for me under there.
— Felicia (@LostFelicia) November 6, 2020
Husband, “I’m going to the store, do you need anything?”
Me, “A bottle of champagne.”
Husband, “Oh, I got you one yesterday.”
Me, “I said what I said.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) November 5, 2020
STOP THE COUNT!!
- Me, to my wife when she counts the number of drinks I had
— karanbir singh (@karanbirtinna) November 6, 2020
My husband was surprised to learn that my daughter’s Wednesday swim lesson was being held on a Wednesday again.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 4, 2020
My wife accidentally threw one of my shirts in the dryer.
On the bright side I now have a new belly shirt for when we go clubbing.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) November 8, 2020
My husband just found a recipe for cauliflower taco "meat" so we're gonna need a divorce lawyer.
— Black Lives Matter Betty (@EzMacArt) November 2, 2020
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) November 2, 2020
I haven't waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) November 5, 2020
My husband said the dogs’ Halloween costumes were an unnecessary expense. Looks like the Grinch is stealing more than Christmas this year, y’all.
— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) October 29, 2020
wife: let's just run into Target really quick
me, 45 min later: you think we can grab some lunch soon
— The Dad (@thedad) November 8, 2020
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 9, 2020
The season to be pissed off at your spouse for leaving their Kleenex in their pants that’s now in the lint catcher is upon us.
— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) November 8, 2020
My mother gave me a Tupperware of dulce de leche which is now empty and my wife is trying to convince me that "it evaporated because it's made with evaporated milk".
— jess salomon (@jess_salomon) November 5, 2020
Wife: I made a cake.
Me: What's the occasion?
Wife: I wanted cake.
The best occasion of all.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 28, 2020
I thought I was happily married & then my husband put the toilet paper on the wrong way.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) November 1, 2020
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) November 9, 2020
Sure I hate doing stupid things but what I really hate is knowing that I just gave my husband ammunition for our next fight
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) November 9, 2020
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) November 2, 2020
My wife leaning on the kitchen counter with her head in her hands is the human equivalent of the “5% battery remaining” warning. "
— The Dad (@thedad) November 2, 2020
Read on for more relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Preview photo credit: thedad / twitter.com