Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) August 22, 2019
I opened an avocado that I thought looked perfect but turned out to not be ripe enough and this, THIS is why I have trust issues.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) July 11, 2019
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if "add avocado" is an option for funeral arrangements
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 26, 2017
Dear white friends, please no more pictures of avocado toast.
— Luwanda (@LuwandaJenkins) February 26, 2017
I deeply relate to avocados because I too have a very narrow window in a 3-day span where I look good and then suddenly turn to gross mush.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) March 26, 2017
on the plus side being home all the time makes it much more likely I catch my avocados in the 13 minutes they’re ripe before rotting
— maura quint (@behindyourback) April 1, 2020
I'm starting to think it's illegal to eat a avocado without posting a photo to Instagram first.
— Bunmi Laditan (@HonestToddler) February 24, 2015
Age 7: I hope Santa brings me a bike, toys, and candy!
Age 37: I new spatula would be great. Maybe some printer ink, or even an avocado or two.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) December 13, 2018
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
— airhead mere (@merestromb) June 9, 2019
Tell my life story with a long montage of avocado slices falling out of sandwiches.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) May 13, 2017
I cut open an avocado and it was rotten. I should have known that was going to happen because I bought it yesterday.
— Stacey (@skittle624) March 4, 2019
My dad just asked me if I can make my "famous avocado sauce" tomorrow. He is referring to guacamole.
— Sam H. Escobar (@myhairisblue) July 4, 2016
my avocado don't want none unless you got toast hun
— Bolu Babalola (@BeeBabs) April 15, 2016
I'm jealous of my children, who will grow up thinking avocados are a commonplace food
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) November 19, 2013
Your idea of me-time is making an avocado face mask. My idea of me-time is making guacamole. We are not the same.
— Moderately Mom (@momtribevibe) April 14, 2020
Me: My avocado still isn't ripe and I'm making tacos tonight. Now what do I do?
Therapist: Where did you get my home phone number?
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 1, 2017
The person who invented guacamole probably stepped on an avocado and was like "I don't care, I'm hungry."
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 29, 2016
Avocadont: noun, the little wooden nub at the end of an avocado that sometimes gets into the guacamole.
— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) September 21, 2010
Ugh fu*ked around and bought an avocado toast instead of a house again :-(
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) October 22, 2019
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
— Stacey (@skittle624) May 8, 2018
I guess sometimes I'm going to wake up still drunk with guacamole all over me. Oh, gentlemen! I AM SINGLE!
— nicole byer (@nicolebyer) September 14, 2014
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) July 25, 2018
I enjoy the quaintness of how long we, as a society, have sustained our excitement over avocados.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) April 12, 2016
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
— Krampus-topher Ashman (@CAshmanActor) January 19, 2020
I’m just standing here, looking for a ripe avocado in this stash of 100 by myself. It’s 10:55 pm.
— Atsuko Okatsuka (@AtsukoComedy) February 27, 2020
*whispers to an avocado*
"I'm the good kind of fat, too."
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) April 25, 2014
Wife: Get a slightly squishy avocado at the grocery store but not too squishy.
Me: [staring at 439 avocados]
Wife: Where’s my avocado?
Me: They were out.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 23, 2019
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I'M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
— Elspeth (@ElspethEastman) September 18, 2016
Preview photo credit: 1followernodad / twitter.com