Nap time is dead. In memoriam, we ask that you send wine in lieu of flowers.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) October 10, 2016
If anyone tells you I'm rude or bitchy, keep in mind that today I apologized to the microwave when I spilled coffee in it.
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) December 20, 2017
If you invite me to your kid's morning birthday party and don't give me coffee then I'll invite you to my kid's night party and not give you wine.
— Kelcey Kintner (@mamabirddiaries) December 2, 2017
Didn't realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby's room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
— Ashes to ashes (an spooky female) ⚪️ (@adult_mom) March 16, 2016
Watching out the window for husband to get home with my wine & this is the adult version of waiting for the ice cream truck
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) March 10, 2017
It's not fair how parents drink all the coffee but the caffeine goes straight to the kids.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) July 28, 2017
Before coffee: I'm a hot mess.
After coffee: I'm a caffeinated hot mess.
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) December 16, 2017
My 1-year-old threw her grapes on the ground and stomped on them. I’d clean them up, but I’m halfway to wine.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 23, 2013
"I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside."
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) May 5, 2017
Me: "This wine isn't very good."
Also me: "I'll just finish it to clean up things."
— Foxy Wine Pocket (@FoxyWinePocket) November 29, 2017
I'd love a VIP line at my coffee shop for parents whose kids have never slept well
— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) September 15, 2016
I was doing dishes tonight & my 3yo said, "Wine. Mommy need wine."
So now she's my favorite.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) July 10, 2017
Parenting Level: Approving my kids' friends based on which parents I think would drink wine with me during playdates.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) May 7, 2015
There's no calm before the storm quite like drinking coffee before the kids wake up.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) June 29, 2017
My mom always had a coffee cup in the bathroom, and it always grossed me out. Today in my first week home as a parent I drank my coffee on the actual toilet. pic.twitter.com/cJnzkLwbXT
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) January 15, 2018
My son announced a plan to "trap" Santa that involves cookies and wine and I was like not gonna lie that sh*t will absolutely work
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) December 20, 2017
If I didn't have kids, I would have to live my life not knowing which wine pairs best with Dino nuggets.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 28, 2017
Plan: put kids to bed, drink a glass of wine
Real life: put kids to bed, drink a glass of wi...
Put kids back to bed, take a sip of wine
Stick wine glass in fridge, put kids to bed again
Get out wine, sit on couch, fall asleep
— here comes the son (@idtweetforever) November 29, 2017
Me: I prevented a tantrum.
Me: I found the wine opener.
Wife: Oh, it was MY tantrum.
— dadpression (@Dadpression) February 21, 2018
If you haven't told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you're a better parent than me.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) July 15, 2016
Just made a coffee instead of having a 3pm wine, god I'm such a health nut
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 5, 2017
I've been on a trip and really miss my kids...wait this coffee tastes weird. It's like all hot and stuff.
— Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad) January 25, 2016
I didn't have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) September 22, 2016
Was just thinking Wife's move of holding wine high and steady as child jumps on lap is probably something a lot of moms have perfected
— dadpression (@Dadpression) July 24, 2016
Wife: *gift wraps a bottle of wine*
Me: Who's that for?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 19, 2017
Telling a 2 year old "Don't make a mess" is like asking me to give up wine. It just ain't gonna happen.
— CurrentlyCaprece (@MommieKnwsFresh) April 8, 2015
Things before coffee = Nope.
— Molly England (@bluebonetbabies) November 28, 2017
Moms know how to persevere. We'll reheat 1 cup of coffee over & over again because we WILL drink our coffee hot if it's the last thing we do
— Toni Hammer (@thetonihammer) September 7, 2017
The recipe never mentions how much wine you will need to get through baking cookies with your kids.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 21, 2016
Non-parents gift guide for toddlers: Buy boxed wine. When the parents are done with the wine, the kid can play with the box. Win-win.
— Faux Ma (@Faux_Ma) September 4, 2016
Me, to kids: "Yes, I'll play, as soon as I finish my coffee."
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) July 3, 2017
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) September 8, 2017
Shout out to my five year old for always being there for me.
Like every time I think about giving up wine she reminds me why I shouldn’t..
— CurrentlyCaprece (@MommieKnwsFresh) November 15, 2017
Sleep is for the weak-I whisper as I cry into my 5th cup of coffee.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) December 18, 2017
All parents want is to just get through half a cup of coffee before someone starts crying about putting on socks.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) November 11, 2015
Before kids: "Oh I don't drink coffee"
1 kid: "I'll have one cup, lots of cream & sugar"
2 kids: "THE WHOLE POT BLACK YES I KNOW IT'S HOT"
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) June 16, 2016
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, "told ya."
— ThisOneSaysBoo (@ThisOneSayz) May 1, 2017
If a parent tells you they don't have a favorite they're lying. Coffee is their favorite.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) November 28, 2017
Preview photo credit: UnfilteredMama / twitter.com