-Kids at bedtime.
— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) November 1, 2019
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I'd have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
— Dave Lesser (@AmateurIdiot) May 22, 2016
If you've never said "I love you too" in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) March 1, 2016
Me: Alright, there’s no more crying during the bedtime routine.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 8, 2020
me: it's bedtime now
kid: please let me do just ONE thing
kid: *starts watching one movie*
— The Dad (@thedad) October 25, 2019
Me: It's bedtime
4: Read one more book
Me: You're stalling
4: Whats stalling?
Me: When you try to not go to bed
4: Let's talk about stalling
— The Alex Nevil (@TheAlexNevil) July 24, 2013
I don’t get why people think getting kids to bed is hard all my son needs is:
A drink of water
4 songs from Daddy
A trip to the potty
Superman flight to bed
An inventory of his stuffed animals
2 more songs
Look at my watch for 45 seconds
And all of this 7 more times
— TwinzerDad (@TwinzerDad) March 17, 2019
during bedtime the toddler announced there is a second "purple mommy" who appears at night someone help pls help
— Chantal Braganza (@chantalbraganza) January 7, 2019
If you've seen Mad Max: Fury Road then you've basically witnessed bedtime at our house.
— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) August 3, 2016
In his bedtime prayers my 4 y/o asked for a toy I secretly threw away two weeks ago. Not gonna say anything because who am I to limit God.
— Bunmi Laditan (@HonestToddler) January 3, 2018
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) December 11, 2019
me: it's bedtime
kids: ok hold on we have to build a house, write a book, perform surgery, travel for business, can you cut my nails and also [projectile vomitting]
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) January 16, 2020
wife: Let's fool around after the kids go to bed
narrator: But they never did fool around
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 2, 2017
If you run out of bedtime stories to tell your kids, don't improvise and read them the "It: Chapter 2" synopsis off IMDb
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) September 15, 2019
You think your kid will go to sleep earlier & easier because he didn't have a nap THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS DUMBA*S WELCOME TO HELL
— keith (@tchrquotes) September 8, 2015
Important bedtime question from my 6-year-old...
In the underworld, how do you tell which skeleton is which? Do they have skeleton hair?
— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) July 29, 2020
Me: "You're going to bed in 5 minutes."
6yo: *bends the laws of space and time to make 5 minutes last 4 hours*
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) January 17, 2017
Me: Whhhyyyyyy do the kids insist on stalling their bedtime by talking, acting out, or taking improvised poops? Don’t they know that they NEED to SLEEP???
Also me: *scrolls twitter until 1am every night*
— Dad on my Feet (@dad_on_my_feet) August 9, 2019
Kids will take anything you say literally unless you say it’s bedtime.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 23, 2020
Me: 15 minutes til bedtime kids
Me: now it's 10 minutes
Me: you have 5 minutes to shut it down and get in bed
Me: 2 minute warning, let's go
Me: okay bedtime
Kids: WHAT? ALREADY? JUST 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
— Divergent Mama (@divergentmama) October 30, 2019
No one has more sh*t on their to-do list than a kid who’s just been told it’s bedtime
— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) October 1, 2019
Me: Your mom told you to stay in bed.
3-year-old: There's a scary monster in my closet
Me: Scarier than Mom?
3: *goes to bed*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 28, 2016
Oh, you’re one of those parents with a bedtime routine as opposed to yelling GO TO BED from the couch every 10 minutes for 2 hours.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 20, 2020
Turns out a bedtime story about clowns who drive ice cream trucks wasn’t such a good idea.
— Just J (@junejuly12) August 14, 2019
You ever watch a scene so ridiculous it just ruins the whole movie? I saw one last night where the dad read his kid a single bedtime book then the kid said "goodnight" and closed his eyes peacefully. Absurd.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 15, 2019
Your kid falling asleep on their own from sheer exhaustion and liberating you from the bedtime routine is like the "Get Out of Jail Free" card of parenting.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) February 10, 2020
What circle of Hell have you entered when your 4 and 2 year-olds synch up their bedtime tantrums?
— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) May 24, 2020
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you're wondering it's 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) May 31, 2016
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it'll be easier for the monsters to find you?
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) February 5, 2019
Bedtime diary 8:32 pm: the children have never been so thirsty. They need water. Lots of water. And ice. 3 cubes to be exact. NOT THAT CUP!
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) November 30, 2015
The game show Let's Make A Deal,
but me bribing my kids to stay in bed.
— Marl (@Marlebean) May 2, 2016
When it’s bedtime and you go to put your kid in pyjamas but realise you never got them dressed in the first place
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) April 5, 2020
Warning to parents:
If you decide to do something special at bedtime, be prepared for it to become part of the bedtime routine for the next three to five years.
This mom, who is currently "brushing" seventeen stuffed animals' teeth.
— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) June 27, 2020
Moms saying, “It’s bedtime!” is code for dads across the world to start wrestling with their kids.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) October 12, 2019
parenting makes you do weird things like hate the daylight for waking your kids and preventing them from going to bed
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 21, 2020
kid: can we have a bedtime story?
me: *switching on Netflix* ok but just one
— The Dad (@thedad) July 24, 2020
Getting the kids to bed after a long day and then not being able to find the TV remote is like, "Good effort, but no gold stars today."
— Ash (an female) ⚪️ (@adult_mom) April 22, 2016
Have you ever been so tired you let your kid stay up because the thought of the bedtime routine is too exhausting but then you can’t go to bed because you let your kid stay up because the thought of the bedtime routine is too exhausting but then...
— Bunmi Laditan (@HonestToddler) November 19, 2019
My bedtime routine with the kids is just cycling through the Kubler-Ross stages of grief.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) July 15, 2015
Never, & I mean NEVER make eye contact with a child on the verge of falling asleep.They will sense your excitement & abort mission! #momlife
— 𝐜𝐚𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐟𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐲𝐝𝐮𝐬𝐭.𝐜𝐨𝐦 (@CaffeineandF) November 14, 2015
“Mama, one more lullaby?”
“I can’t think of any more- GOODNIGHT!”
“Tommy used to work on the docks... Union’s been on strike, he’s down on his luck, it’s tough..”
— RachRiot (@RachRiot) September 12, 2018
I am the Michael Jordan of skipping pages with a lot of words in my kid’s bedtime story.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 20, 2020
Since my husband is the “fun” parent, the kids want him to handle everything, including meals and bedtime.
He’s annoyed, or at least I think that’s what he said. I couldn’t hear him over my triumphant laughter echoing off the walls.
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) November 2, 2019
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Daughter: what’s her name?
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
— NewDadNotes (@NewDadNotes) November 29, 2019
Daughter: what did dad cow say to baby cow?
Me: I don’t know.
Daughter: it’s pasture bedtime : )
Me: good one!
Me: hey that reminds me it is past your bedtime.
Daughter: [under breath] couldn’t wait til morning to tell that joke could you.
— NewDadNotes (@NewDadNotes) February 26, 2020
Preview photo credit: HomeWithPeanut / twitter.com