Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways.

#1

Never ask your teenager how you look today, unless you’re prepared for them to say sh*t like “you look Amish” or “you look like you sell essential oils and don’t vaccinate your kids”

Wow, thanks.

— Ⓖⓗⓓ (@GingerHotDish) June 11, 2020

#2

Did you know that there’s a list of ingredients on baby wipes? Yeah, I went to the bathroom without my phone again.

— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) August 28, 2020

#3

Zoom preschool is both hilarious and depressing. My 4 year old keeps unmuting himself and yelling 'I DON'T KNOW YOUR NAME! IS THIS MEETING OVER YET?'

— Alexis Diao (@meowdiao) September 2, 2020

#4

Hell hath no fury like a mom when someone opens the new package of something before the old one is finished.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) September 1, 2020

#5

It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 3, 2020

#6

First born: What was I almost named?
Dad: You were going to be Valerie
Middle child: What about me?
D: Victor
Last born: What was I supposed to be?
Mom: Vasectomy

— Melanie Gibson (@ImMelanieGibson) September 1, 2020

#7

Every time a parent’s sleep is near, a thirsty child must first appear

— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) August 30, 2020

#8

My daughter wrote a song about me, isn't that sweet?

It's called "Mommy's Armpit Stubble."

— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 31, 2020

#9

My baby is now 3 months old but in pandemic years we’re both 150

— amil (@amil) August 29, 2020

#10

Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) September 3, 2020

#11

This is how my 2-year-old chose to tell me she's hungry today:

"Mommy, I hear something in my tummy."

🤣🤣🤣 #momlife

— Déborah Kabwang Makuma (@deborahkabwang) August 31, 2020

#12

Good morning to everyone except the kid that woke me up at 4:15am to proudly tell me that he almost used his teeth to remove a hangnail on his toe, but used a nail clipper instead.

— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) September 1, 2020

#13

Tried teaching my kids some Roman history... I'm not allowed to do the homeschooling anymore pic.twitter.com/ydnkaA95oJ

— The Dad (@thedad) August 31, 2020

#14

Me: Your shirt and pants don't match.

6-year-old: My shirt is cool, and my pants are cool.

I stand corrected.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 31, 2020

#15

5-year-old: I can’t do more kindergarten. My leg is hurting and that means my skeleton is broken.

Me: It’s just a story video on the iPad. You’re fine.

5-year-old: Maybe I can’t feel my fingers.

— Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 (@Tobi_Is_Fab) August 31, 2020

#16

no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) September 3, 2020

#17

I never had a gender reveal party, so just letting y'all know I had a girl 25 years ago, and we accept cash.

— Felicia (@LostFelicia) August 30, 2020

#18

Made it to the level of parenthood where I just plunged my hand into a pot of boiling water to salvage the cheese powder packet I accidentally dumped in with the macaroni.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 31, 2020

#19

No ice cream for the unemployed pic.twitter.com/ihAWIEAm7u

— Hlengiwe Leigh-anne Arewa (@hlengibila) August 30, 2020

#20

Having teens is fun because they demand that you give them their independence as they turn right around & ask if they can borrow $20.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 30, 2020

#21

Parenting is a whole lot of, “Where did you hear that?!” Knowing full well it was you. They heard it from you.

— Molly England (@bluebonetbabies) September 2, 2020

#22

I’m homeschooling my son this year, so I plan on teaching the curriculum as follows:

Sarcasm 101

How to Get Mommy’s Tea

Let’s All Shut the Fu*k Up for Ten Minutes

Annoying Daddy (AP level)

Why Firefly’s Cancellation is Never to Be Forgotten

Debate: Who is the Best Batman

— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) September 1, 2020

#23

[5 PM]

Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I will.

[8 PM]

Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I will.

[6 AM]

Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: OMG I WILL.

[8 AM]

Text from child in school: you won’t believe this

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 1, 2020

#24

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Dada!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Papa!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.

Me: This is bullsh*t.

Baby: This is bullsh*t.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 30, 2020

Each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.

Preview photo credit: maryfairybobrry / twitter.com