Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways.

#1

4yo: Mommy do you know who I love the best?

Me: No, who?

4: The pizza man

— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) December 9, 2020

#2

Started cutting my kids’ vitamins in half because I’m worried if they get too strong they will bully me even more

— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) December 9, 2020

#3

My toddler just asked if I could make the bath "more less cold" and I can't decide what's weirder: that it made sense to her or that it made sense to me.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) December 10, 2020

#4

Hell hath no fury like my 4 year old screaming “ALEXA PLAY WHERE ARE YOU CHRISTMAS” as Alexa plays whatever random Christmas song she thinks 4 said.

— 🎄♥️ Marissa 💚🎄 (@michimama75) December 7, 2020

#5

if my 4yo asks if something is poisonous, there's a 100% chance she has already put it in her mouth

— Lil Bit of Holiday Cheer 🌈 (@LizerReal) December 7, 2020

#6

Keeping the magic in Christmas by yelling “Don’t open that!” every time an Amazon box is delivered.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 9, 2020

#7

Marriage, before kids-

Husband: I have to leave early tomorrow morning
Me: make sure you give me a kiss before you go

Marriage, 3 kids-

Husband: I have to leave early tomorrow morning
Me: if you wake me I’ll stab you in the eye

— MumInBits (@MumInBits) December 6, 2020

#8

My 5YO changed her favorite color to teal, now our four year investment in pink is worth zilch

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) December 10, 2020

#9

My kid had her checkup today and her pediatrician reassured me that her hearing is perfect. So my kid is really out here just choosing not to listen.

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) December 9, 2020

#10

*paper airplane buzzes my shoulder*

Me:

9yo: Sorry Daddy, I was aiming for your head

— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) December 8, 2020

#11

My kid lost a tooth today, and all I’m saying is that it’s going to take a lot more than my 2020 pandemic Homer Simpson brain to remember to move the Elf on the Shelf and make Tooth Fairy magic happen all in the same night.

— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) December 9, 2020

#12

There's an old saying about raising kids: The days are long. The days are so, so damn long. I don't remember the rest.

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) December 10, 2020

#13

My toddler called the daycare provider a “fu*king liar” and then blamed the bad language on me but in my defence my toddler is a fu*king liar

— Jonesy The Beautiful Idiot 🇨🇦 (@VikingJonesy) December 8, 2020

#14

My family and I have this really sweet holiday tradition where we receive everyone's photo cards, hang them up on the wall, and gather round to critique the sh*t out of them.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) December 7, 2020

#15

parent twitter be like "poop smells bad fu*k them kids i haven't slept" 100000 likes.

— Dad That Writes ☕ (@dadthatwrites) December 10, 2020

#16

*watching Return of the Jedi*

4: how come Princess Leia’s the only one wearing a bathing suit?”

— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) December 10, 2020

#17

Is there a support group for parents of children who don’t like cheese or are they just beyond saving?

— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) December 9, 2020

#18

Not trying to brag or anything, but I found peace without even looking that hard. It was in my kids word search, but I’m fu*king counting it.

— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) December 5, 2020

#19

There are 2 types of kids:

Kid 1 wants you to do everything for them no matter how easily they could do it on their own.

Kid 2 wants to do everything on their own and will undo whatever you just did so they can redo it themselves.

I have one of each. I also have a beer fridge.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) December 2, 2020

#20

Our Costco delivery came at 8am on a Saturday, and the delivery lady said “oh! Didn’t know if you’d be awake.” Lol! That’s the joke, friends! I’ve got three kids a dog and cat, I’ve been awake since 2006.

— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) December 5, 2020

#21

My kids are at that awkward Christmas age where they're too old for toys but too young for Beer of the Month Club.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 10, 2020

#22

My son woke me at 1 AM because “[his] throat won’t let [him] yawn” and then this morning asked me why I was still in bed “just sitting there” when he was hungry, and I’m not saying that anyone should feed their kids to rabid squirrels, I’m just saying I understand the notion

— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) December 9, 2020

#23

My SIL: Hey sweetie pie!

My 3 yo: What's sweetie pie?

SIL: It can be a name for someone you love!

3:

SIL: You can call me sweetie pie!

3: I don't want to.

— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) December 5, 2020

#24

I got my daughter a dump truck toy today and she keeps sitting on it and pretending she’s pooping and I don’t know how I can possibly correct her when she’s technically not wrong...

— Possum Kingdom 🖤 (@aissalanis) December 6, 2020

Each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.

Preview photo credit: lmegordon / twitter.com, Modern Family