Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways.

#1

There are 5 of us in this house and 738 shoes by the front door this does not check out

— MumInBits (@MumInBits) November 29, 2020

#2

Our middle child (?) says we neglect him

— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) November 30, 2020

#3

My tween is cooking breakfast.

87 dishes later we have 12 muffins.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 30, 2020

#4

My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a "single Pringle" forever and I'm laughing so hard I can't even be mad.

— La Femme Fatali🐞 (@toomanycommas3) November 29, 2020

#5

2020 brings a whole new meaning to that part in It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas that goes "and Mom and Dad can hardly wait for school to start again."

— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) November 30, 2020

#6

If you want to piss off a toddler just tell him he’s tired.

— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) December 1, 2020

#7

The problem with children is that they are never as hung over as you are.

— Matty Pumpkin (@bestestname) November 29, 2020

#8

“I WANT MOMMY TO CUT MY HAIR,” my 6 year old yelled, at once exercising his bodily autonomy and exhibiting absolutely dismal decision making skills.

— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) December 1, 2020

#9

Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that...
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.

— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) December 1, 2020

#10

I've started telling my kids "if I find it, I get to keep it" when they ask me to look for stuff, and it's miraculous how fast they find things on their own after that

— QuaranTWIN Dad (@DadisGrumpy) December 1, 2020

#11

If a child’s laughter is the best sound in the world, then a child trying to snort a booger back up into their sinus cavity is the worst.

— Jonesy The Beautiful Idiot 🇨🇦 (@VikingJonesy) December 2, 2020

#12

Grew up listening to Indian mythology. Stories with demons, death and gory violence, and here I’m protecting my 5YO from Peppa Pig

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) December 3, 2020

#13

My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey

— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) December 1, 2020

#14

If you give your toddler a spoon for her cheddar chex mix, it's not junk food, it's a fine motor skill exercise.

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) December 1, 2020

#15

Me: I don’t like cake pops. I don’t like knowing people roll their hands all over them.

11: Yeah, well a chicken pops an egg out its butt and you eat that.

— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) November 29, 2020

#16

Our Elf on the shelf is named Michelf Obama. Apparently today was “Bring your spouse to work” day at the North Pole. pic.twitter.com/hs8Kf3W31M

— Audra McDonald (@AudraEqualityMc) December 1, 2020

#17

Our daughter asked me what “cremation” means so I told her and she responded that it “sounds delicious” so apparently I’m raising a sweet golden-haired Hannibal Lecter

— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) December 1, 2020

#18

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don't even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

— Buffaluffagus 🙈 (@MissSassy_Pants) November 30, 2020

#19

Other moms: making sure their kids are on task while learning remotely

Me: In another room, eating all the snacks and binge watching Netflix, shouting out “have a good day at school”

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) December 1, 2020

#20

my four year old mispronounces curse words which is cute and not at all horrifying when she yells “bammit!!” and “cheese crisis!!!”

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) November 29, 2020

#21

You probably shouldn’t teach your child to kick their dad in the chest while yelling “this is Sparta” I know this now.

— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) November 29, 2020

#22

Does anyone have any advice for my 3 year old who wants to know how he can eat a different desert after deciding he doesn’t want to eat the one he just ate?

— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) December 2, 2020

Each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.

Preview photo credit: thedadvocate01 / twitter.com