Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways.

#1

If a parent watches their child in a forest and no one is around to hear them, are they still screaming?

— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) October 25, 2020

#2

My toddler just threw herself on the floor and started crying, and I’m like, “girl, same.”

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) October 25, 2020

#3

Had to explain to my toddler why his 13yo cousin has changed lately, now when he sees someone upset or crying he goes “puberty?”

— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) October 27, 2020

#4

NASA: *finds water in the moon

My kids: that’s my water bottle I’m saving it for later

— Dave Ween (@pittdave13) October 27, 2020

#5

sleep deprived and doubled over on the counter desperate for the coffee to brew faster when I hear that sweet voice utter those dreaded words:

“mommy, why are guinea pigs named guinea pigs?”

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) October 28, 2020

#6

When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.

— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) October 27, 2020

#7

Parenting involves a lot more sighing than I expected.

— The Dad (@thedad) October 29, 2020

#8

I have discovered a fossilized dinosaur chicken nugget under my oven

*adds archeologist to my resume

— 🎃 mom mom mom mom mom 🎃 (@notmythirdrodeo) October 27, 2020

#9

I’m very certain that my kids will be late to school, even if they lived inside the school

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) October 28, 2020

#10

KID 911: wats ur emergency

SON: cant find my shoes

KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?

SON: yes!

KID 911: then it is lost forever

— *sigh*clops (@aotakeo) October 28, 2020

#11

Ugh need help with Math(s) please.

If there are two teenagers in the house, each with three electronic devices, how many charging cords do you need to purchase each week?

— Smile and Nod (@AndLookPretty) October 27, 2020

#12

[Halloween store]

Me: Store security stopped me
Wife: WHY?
Me: They thought I was stealing a Sexy Dad costume.
Wife: Oh for fu*k's sake

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 28, 2020

#13

Baby girl is trying out a prank. She said something scary is near our bathroom sink...

That's one scary snake. 😂 pic.twitter.com/Re0iLmrwRs

— Jacques Nyemb (@jnyemb) October 26, 2020

#14

Today my son’s whole zoom class overheard me screaming “ALEXA! STOP IT!” in the background. In my defense I was saying “Play Beastie Boys” and she launched into “Barbara Ann” 3 times.

— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) October 24, 2020

#15

"Mommy, does your car need gas?"

I don't kn.. (he farts on me and runs away)

— Marl (@Marlebean) October 26, 2020

#16

4-year-old: Can I have scissors?

Me: For what?

4: Not cutting my hair.

Sounds legit.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 27, 2020

#17

Kids grow up so fast. One day you’re giving them a fun piggy back, the next you realise too late that it’s an incredibly effective choke hold

— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) October 25, 2020

#18

My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) October 25, 2020

#19

Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?

My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.

— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) October 24, 2020

#20

Me: Guys listen to me

Kids: What?

Me: Oh I didn’t expect you to answer and now I’ve forgotten what I was going to say

— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) October 26, 2020

#21

My daughter just told me that my singing sounds like “when our cat was killed” but we’ve never ever owned a cat

— Jonesy the Beautiful Idiot 🇨🇦 (@VikingJonesy) October 24, 2020

#22

Took my headphones off just in time to overhear my 10 year-old tell her therapist "he's one of my nemeses" so I feel like my job is done here, well done me

— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) October 26, 2020

#23

i've been having little serious conversations with my 3 year old and a few weeks ago i explained that our food becomes poo which he thought was hysterical

but i just now discovered i did not explain this process very well and he thought making poo was his personal special power

— the monster nash™ (@itsnashflynn) October 28, 2020

Each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.

Preview photo credit: thedad / twitter.com