#1

Husband: *rearranging our throw pillows*

Me: [from upstairs] That’s not how they go.

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 21, 2020

#2

“I’m just a teenage dirtbag BAaaaby” -me, pushing 30, many of my friends have kids

— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) April 18, 2020

#3

Wait is there really a tv show where you can win $100,000 just by not having sex for a month. I couldve won over a million dollars last year

— Michaela Okland (@MichaelaOkla) April 23, 2020

#4

to live a fulfilling life, you're supposed to regularly do things that scare you

my anxiety: NAILED IT

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) April 19, 2020

#5

The only thing I’m good at when it comes to home improvement is adding another dog to the family.

— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) April 18, 2020

#6

Lately I've been ordering stuff online just to give me a will to live for 4-7 business days.

— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) April 24, 2020

#7

got a fridge full of bullsh*t leftovers i loathe and resent

— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) April 22, 2020

#8

me, turning my wifi off & on again: i am a woman in STEM

— Karen Chee (@karencheee) April 23, 2020

#9

I can’t wait to go back to avoiding people on my own terms.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 20, 2020

#10

wearing jeans today like a goddamn first class passenger on the titanic

— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) April 21, 2020

#11

Soup? You mean hot cracker sauce

— Hi, it's Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) April 22, 2020

#12

You’re telling me the earthquake busted in mere minutes after it becoming earth day?? An icon

— chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) April 22, 2020

#13

I’m Mad About Everything and Nothing All at Once: A PMS Tale

— Imani Gandy ☄️🌏🔥 (@AngryBlackLady) April 23, 2020

#14

Every woman's wardrobe needs:
Black dress
White blouse
Cursed necklace purchased at garage sale that allows her to move furniture just by thinking about it
Jeans

— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 22, 2020

#15

as i sit here drinking a sprite with vodka, i wonder how many $17 cocktails i've had that were just a sprite with vodka

— Julia Moser (@juliamoserrrr) April 24, 2020

#16

All I need is someone to tell me that making a bunch of epaulettes and sewing them on all my clothes is a bad use of this time.

— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) April 20, 2020

#17

[every recipe]
This dish is SUPER EASY to make!
- 1,000 spices you don’t own
- 2 quarts. u know what a quart is?
- you’ve never heard of this item in your life. google it bit*h.
- cookware even your parents don’t have
- no not that kind of flour
- good luck finding eggs
- eggs

— Jill Gutowitz (@jillboard) April 20, 2020

#18

CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother

FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always

CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin

— Jill la Jill (@JillianKarger) April 21, 2020

Visit our "Funniest Tweets From Women" page for past roundups.

Preview photo credit: abbycohenwl / twitter.com