#1

Does learning Tik Tok dances count as cardio? Asking for me.

— Camilla Blackett (@camillard) February 5, 2020

#2

I think about how my Gen X friends once had to order takeout by calling the place and I admire their bravery.

— feminist next door (@emrazz) February 2, 2020

#3

[Cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]

Me: slow cook it faster

— That Pesky Prostitüt™ (@LittleMissAngr1) February 4, 2020

#4

great news i officially had so much coffee that i am vibrating at a pitch only dogs can hear

— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) February 3, 2020

#5

My mom bought a new car and my sister who teaches third grade let her kids suggest names for it for fun. They asked what color the car was -- gray. Here are their suggestions:

-Britney
-Woman
-Rainbow the Sad Sad Car

— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) February 5, 2020

#6

Friend: I need some advice

Me with olives on all of my fingers: You’ve come to the right place

— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) February 2, 2020

#7

Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.

— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) February 6, 2020

#8

looking at my to do list from last week pic.twitter.com/YMHCtBDdEc

— hunter harris (@hunteryharris) February 3, 2020

#9

I know caucuses can be a bit confusing to non-Americans, so here’s how they work: first they gather up a great pile of stones, then everyone in town arrives, then the families take a piece of paper from the black box, and if you pull a paper with a black spot you get sacrificed

— Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis” Wilson (@MaraWilson) February 4, 2020

#10

It’s fun getting room service. I just love eating a $19 hamburger at a desk in front of a mirror.

— Sarah Sweeney (@heysarahsweeney) February 2, 2020

#11

Being prettier than me? That's one thing. But being prettier than me and also more talented and successful??????? I simply cannot abide it

— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) February 6, 2020

#12

If someone doesn’t explain the difference between au gratin and scalloped potatoes to me rn I am going to lose my mind

— ghost mom (@radtoria) February 4, 2020

#13

There’s no sentence in the English language scarier than “time for an icebreaker game!”

— Sophie Vershbow (@svershbow) February 3, 2020

#14

I fly to New York tomorrow night for a visit. Can’t wait to assume my true form pic.twitter.com/kPDjumnn7I

— Alanna Bennett (Heir to Genovia) (@AlannaBennett) February 5, 2020

#15

Me: Ok, I just need to remember my bank account and routing number to set up this draft.

My Brain:

Me:

My Brain:

Me:

My Brain: The kid in Hocus Pocus is also the same one who was in that old show called Eerie Indiana. His name is Omri Katz. Hope that helps. K bye.

— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) February 4, 2020

#16

How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say "we should hang!"
2. Do not hang.
3. Say "we should hang!" 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say "we should do this more often!"
10. Die.

— Emily McKenna Winter (@EmilyMcWinter) February 5, 2020

Visit our "Funniest Tweets From Women" page for past roundups.

Preview photo credit: kelllicopter / twitter.com