#1

I don’t trust anyone who can nap in jeans.

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) May 9, 2020

#2

Today is 5/9, or as some guys call it 5/11

— defne gencler (@omgitsdef) May 9, 2020

#3

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 11, 2020

#4

When we’re “back to normal,” i want to open a bed and breakfast only for women suffering from burn out. I’m gonna call it Resting Bit*h Place.

— Mary Annaïse Heglar (@MaryHeglar) May 9, 2020

#5

This isn’t going to be a hot girl summer it’s going to be a reclusive victorian woman in an attic summer

— Fossilized Tree Resin (@Jamberee13) May 13, 2020

#6

Me before this: I’m finally an adult

Me now: I love puzzles and chalk and beads and for my birthday I want a scooter

— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) May 12, 2020

#7

this whole thing has really helped me rediscover my passion for barely holding it together

— J. Jennifer Espinoza (@sadqueer4life) May 9, 2020

#8

i admire how when babies dont want to hold something anymore they just drop it

— secular angel (@mixedmediapaper) May 11, 2020

#9

Personally I think Romeo and Juliet could’ve handled their situation better

— uzma (@uzmaax) May 13, 2020

#10

Ripping off your mask when you get back in the car is the new taking off your bra when you get home

— Maggie Scott (@maggiescott231) May 10, 2020

#11

this time last year I was getting laid and now I’m just sitting here tweeting stupid sh*t like “this time last year I was getting laid”

— comrade edelgard von hresvelg (@GraceSpelman) May 10, 2020

#12

When I said I wanted to be a Disney princess, I was thinking more the long hair/musical numbers and less the being stuck inside my parents' house/talking to animals.

— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) May 11, 2020

#13

if ur looking for a bad girl sometimes I do multiple loads of laundry before emptying the lint trap

— Moderately Mom (@momtribevibe) May 13, 2020

#14

Happy mother’s day!! don’t forget to watch a movie today but pause it every so often and go “wait who’s that”

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 10, 2020

#15

a lasagna is just a layer cake who's seen some stuff

— Karen Chee (@karencheee) May 11, 2020

#16

interested in physically fighting this mom you claim is the strongest woman you know

— gingerbread angel (@____andie) May 10, 2020

#17

i am a messy bit*h who lives for drama, right up until the second i am implicated in drama, in which case i think everyone should cut it out and stop being mean to me

— Anna Fitzpatrick (@bananafitz) May 11, 2020

#18

Not convinced that we have done all we can to find the the best way to package flour

— Paige Weldon (@paigeweldon) May 10, 2020

#19

Woke up to the memory of a time in college when a very proper, VERY English friend was trying to recall the name of a character in a children’s show. “The green one, you know?Disagreeable, quite shouty? Lives in the rubbish.” She meant Oscar the Grouch.

— Alana Massey (@AlanaMassey) May 14, 2020

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Preview photo credit: maggiescott231 / twitter.com