#1

If you tip $100 at Cold Stone Creamery, the staff has to perform Les Miserables in its entirety.

— Grace Christmas 🎄☃️🎄 (@GraceGThomas) November 11, 2020

#2

Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 10, 2020

#3

Yeah, it's true, I lost my virginity to George Clooney. George Clooney Total Landscaping.

— Emily Nussbaum (@emilynussbaum) November 9, 2020

#4

when your family's pissed you forgot to buy pizza rolls again pic.twitter.com/HuChazuFiZ

— maura quint (@behindyourback) November 10, 2020

#5

“I put my thang down flip it and reverse it, it’s your bamlanivimab, it’s your bamlanivimab” https://t.co/lf37M8t3p7

— Robin Thede (@robinthede) November 10, 2020

#6

one of my odd pleasures is when writers make a character say overly detailed sentences for viewers. Like “let’s have dinner with our kids Joey and Timmy before you head back to Toronto for your 5 day work retreat!”

— chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) November 8, 2020

#7

I know my therapist will always be helpful and supportive but I would laugh so hard if one day she was just like seriously bit*h? again? we’re talking about this again? there’s people that are dying ellie

— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) November 10, 2020

#8

would way rather have my nudes leaked than my earnest journal entries that say things like “i don’t know what’s next for me... whatever life has in store...”

— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) November 12, 2020

#9

If I die and anyone says I passed away “peacefully” it’s a lie. Don’t buy it. I passed away bit*hing the whole time.

— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) November 8, 2020

#10

Every day around midnight, I'm shocked to find out it's only 6pm.

— 𝐩𝐡𝐞𝗼𝐧𝐢𝐱 🧚🏽 (@koolgalkay) November 11, 2020

#11

Make sure your vaccine is from Pfizer and not Pfizer Landscaping.

— krupali (@krupali) November 9, 2020

#12

I’m about to call my favorite exboyfriend and tell him he’s not married to that lovely lady, I’m suing to have the votes recounted, and actually he and I are still dating.

— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) November 10, 2020

#13

when mom calls: pic.twitter.com/v2dJtwutBh

— shelby wolstein (@ShelbyWolstein) November 8, 2020

#14

it’s not actually a coup unless it comes from the coup d'état region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling authoritarian takeover

— rémy anne (@Remy_Anne) November 10, 2020

#15

Me after the election: I’ll never be sad again

Me 15 minutes later: never mind

— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) November 10, 2020

#16

alex trebek was proof that you can be a kind person who also bullies nerds, 100% legend

— Olivia Craighead (@oliviacraighead) November 8, 2020

#17

i think society won't be satisfied with BEFORE & AFTER weight loss pictures until there's a woman on the left side & just an empty pile of clothes on the ground on the right side WOW WHAT'S HER SECRET?!

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) November 10, 2020

#18

I’m not saying my grandparents *worship* me, that would be crazy. I’m just saying they have 8 pics of me around the apartment and only 1 pic of jesus

— Karen Chee (@karencheee) November 9, 2020

#19

alright what book about history and/or airplanes are we getting our dads for christmas

— Anna Fitzpatrick (@bananafitz) November 10, 2020

#20

Upped my age limit to 42 on hinge and now these men message me at 6 am “Hello, Blair. How are you? -Tim”

— Blair Socci (@blairsocci) November 11, 2020

Visit our "Funniest Tweets From Women" page for past roundups.

Preview photo credit: alyssalimp / twitter.com