#1

Jesus being God's son is like... ok nepotism

— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) September 22, 2020

#2

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *slides mouthguard in sensually*

— Mom Sweats (@momjeansplease) September 20, 2020

#3

I miss walking into a store and immediately realizing it’s too fancy but pretending to look around for a few minutes for the benefit of the salesperson who already hates me by default

— Sarah Lazarus (@sarahclazarus) September 21, 2020

#4

I’m going to start my diet today and finish my diet today because I like to get things done.

— Stacey (@skittle624) September 21, 2020

#5

idk why as a child i thought leeches would be a bigger problem for me

— kaytamine (@fleetwood__max) September 19, 2020

#6

I Feel like this is an appropriate reaction pic.twitter.com/PzsPvJRIed

— Natalie (@jbfan911) September 22, 2020

#7

you come to me on this, the day of my daughter’s socially distanced zoom wedding

— maya kosoff (@mekosoff) September 22, 2020

#8

I love how babies look freaked out all the time. They’re the only ones being honest!

— Akilah Green (@akilahgreen) September 23, 2020

#9

blake shelton being named sexiest man alive was the beginning of the end

— hunter harris (@hunteryharris) September 19, 2020

#10

But does the embarrassing thing that happened twenty years ago think about *me* at 3 a.m.

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) September 22, 2020

#11

pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed

— kayla ♡ (@baz00per) September 22, 2020

#12

I am always reminded of how competitive I am whenever someone responds to my “love you” with “love you more.” WHAT bit*h?! “MORE”?! I’ll show you more

— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) September 21, 2020

#13

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

— Dea Poirier (@deapoirierbooks) September 19, 2020

#14

i was in a sex store today and this girl walked in, looked at me and went “hello, where are the strap ons?” like girl i don’t work here but aisle 12

— ABOLISH THE POLICE (@hairyfairie) September 20, 2020

#15

All the worst friend fights I ever have occur entirely in my head during the response delays in text conversations

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) September 22, 2020

#16

I fear I’ll go the rest of my life never knowing if a singular dried bay leaf does literally anything to benefit a soup or sauce

— Mindy Furano (@MindyFurano) September 22, 2020

#17

me, pitching the Trojan Horse idea: ok we build a large horse out of wood and I sneak inside. I furnish the interior with rugs, a bed, maybe a Monet. real cozy. then I live there, rent-free, and you wheel me to places I wanna go

— Karen Chee (@karencheee) September 21, 2020

#18

Welcome to adulthood.

Loud cars make you angry now.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) September 22, 2020

#19

"can u multitask" yes actually i am losing my mind and chilling at the same time

— Emily💋 (@emilyspreads) September 21, 2020

#20

wild email from my mom pic.twitter.com/DN0qT6he0N

— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) September 22, 2020

Visit our "Funniest Tweets From Women" page for past roundups.

Preview photo credit: danadonly / twitter.com