Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.

#1

My wife said we have too much stuff. So right now, we’re in the basement getting rid of a bunch of my stuff.

— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) October 24, 2020

#2

One day you're happily married and the next day you catch your husband making cauliflower mashed potatoes.

— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) October 25, 2020

#3

My husband makes "vrrom vroom" noises as he watches the map of the @UberEats driver approaching our house.

— Black Lives Matter Betty (@EzMacArt) October 18, 2020

#4

Everyday is Prime Day when you’re married to my wife.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 13, 2020

#5

3s made birthday cards for a family friend.

Me to the wife: OMG hon! Sis actually wrote letters all on her own! There’s a P, N, I, and S! I’m so proud of her!

Wife: If she puts an E, I quit. pic.twitter.com/9yOHwOOp2e

— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) October 23, 2020

#6

“Don’t you have work to do?” - me to my husband any time I see him out of his home office during the day

— SpacedMom (@copymama) October 16, 2020

#7

Therapist: What are some steps you can take the next time your husband annoys you?

Me: fill his truck with throw pillows

Therapist: no

— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) October 25, 2020

#8

One of the biggest tests to my marriage was the time my husband walked in on me using a flip flop as a hammer.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 17, 2020

#9

You ever just spend 2 years talking about air fryers with your spouse and still not be sure if it’s worth the counter space sacrifice?

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 15, 2020

#10

My wife still brings up the one time in 2013 when I ate bad tacos and complained of stomach cramps while she was in labor

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) October 22, 2020

#11

I know bedtime routine is important because I can’t fall asleep without asking my husband if he locked the door

— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) October 15, 2020

#12

My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) October 13, 2020

#13

My husband always wants me to do things his way.

Fold the towels in thirds

Wash whites separately

Don’t hit the mailbox when backing out of the driveway

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 18, 2020

#14

My husband commenting on my lockdown hair:

“I think you look like a 40 something year old Italian business man..”

I’m 32.

In other news, the funeral of my late husband will be held next week.

— Steve 🏳️‍🌈 (@papaneedscoffee) October 23, 2020

#15

Husband and I were talking about how there really isn't a feminine version of the name "John," so we decided on "Johnnifer."

I will not be taking questions at this time.

— Black Lives Matter Betty (@EzMacArt) October 17, 2020

#16

Him: Do you sleep with a fan?

Me: I'd say my wife mostly likes me, but fan is pushing it

— The Dad (@thedad) October 17, 2020

#17

Is there an App to know when my wife is mad at me?

— Dad Bits (@DadBits) October 14, 2020

#18

My husband thought I was flirting.

I don’t have the heart to tell him that I was just licking the salsa that had fallen between my fingers

— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) October 20, 2020

#19

I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) October 14, 2020

#20

Wife: What the hell are you doing?
Me [ironing bathrobe]: getting my work clothes ready

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 20, 2020

#21

My wife can eat one Reese's peanut butter cup, rewrap the other one and save it for later, so I'm clearly married to a supernatural being.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) October 16, 2020

#22

Before marrying someone, listen long and hard to the sounds of their chewing because that's the soundtrack to the rest of your life.

— Lil BOO 🌈 (@LizerReal) October 16, 2020

#23

I thought the wife asked if I wanted to do dishes but judging by her anger I now think she was actually telling me.

— Forward March (@RunOldMan) October 21, 2020

#24

Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*

Repeat forever.

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) October 17, 2020

#25

Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me and I’m not sure if I should go home or disappear and start a new life.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 21, 2020

Read on for more relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.

Preview photo credit: simoncholland / twitter.com