#1
Can’t find your kids? Don’t worry; sit on the toilet. They’ll find you.
mommajessiec / Via twitter.com

#2
Son: Mommy can I have ice cream?
Me: No.
My mom: You seem to say no a lot. Maybe you could find a different way to say it...
Me: Fu*k no.
VisionBored1 / Via twitter.com

#3
Listening to my kids argue makes me feel like I’m going to have a breakdown yet a little excited about a brief hospital stay.
sarcasticmommy4 / Via twitter.com

#4
me: *hiding under bed* are the monsters gone
wife: *sigh* yes the kids are asleep
aotakeo / Via twitter.com

#5
Me: Stop stalling and take a nap.
4-year-old: But I really have to ask you something.
Me: What?
4: Can carrots be ghosts?
XplodingUnicorn / Via twitter.com

#6
That thing where you sit in bed on your phone until 2am and plan out how you're gonna be the perfect mom in the morning just to wake up and be too fu*king tired for any of it.
mommy_cusses / Via twitter.com

#7
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
lmegordon / Via twitter.com

#8
Just because I'm a mom doesn't mean I'm not spontaneous anymore. Will I get out of these pajama pants today? Maybe... maybe NOT. You just don't know.
Divergentmama / Via twitter.com

#9
3: What's that?
Me: It's my phone.
3: Is that your phone?
Me: Yes.
3: Hey dad, is that your phone?
Me: Yes.
3: Is that your phone?
Me: Yes.
3:
Me:
3: What is that?
Me: You tell me.
3: Is that your phone?
(repeat 1000 times)
dadthatwrites / Via twitter.com

#10
Me: *finally taking down the old backyard playset that is warped and faded from the sun, splintered, and covered in spiderwebs and wasp nests*
My Pre-Tween Kids, playing games on their iPads: NOOOOOOO WHAT ARE YOU DOING WE LOVE OUR PLAYSET MOM STOP!!
Pork_Chop_Hair / Via twitter.com

#11
Kid:
Kid:
Kid:
Kid:
Kid:
Kid:
Kid:
Kid:
Kid:
Me: [turns on favorite show]
Kid: DADDY I HAVE A QUESTION WHY IS BLUE A COLOR!? WHY DO I EXIST? WILL GRIZZLY BEARS EAT BANANAS?
dadmann_walking / Via twitter.com

#12
I was just quickly and aimlessly tidying up my house, about 5 minutes in I realized that I was carrying around a potato.
I don't know which room I picked the potato up in, I just know it was not the kitchen.
Kids are fun
dishs_up / Via twitter.com

#13
Today, after stubbing my toe, I learned that 2ish is in the "repeater" phase of language development
"Mudd-er fok-er" never sounded so cute
snarkymomtobe / Via twitter.com

#14
Son: Can I have some?
Me, mouth full of cheesecake: It’s really spicy you won't like it.
VisionBored1 / Via twitter.com

#15
I love my daughter but she asked me if I was 22 & I said, no I’m 37 & she asked if I’m actually her grandma.
UnfilteredMama / Via twitter.com

#16
My kids have been watching 15 minutes of TV for over 3 hours now.
HenpeckedHal / Via twitter.com

#17
[zombie apocalypse]
Husband: this is bad
Daughter: I'm scared
Sons: what's for dinner?
Divergentmama / Via twitter.com

#18
All serial killers were once toddlers.
Coincidence? I think not.
dad_on_my_feet / Via twitter.com

#19
Me: Why are you still in bed?
9-year-old: Someone turned off my alarm.
Me: Was it you?
9: Yes.
XplodingUnicorn / Via twitter.com