#1

What wine pairs well with Common Core math?

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 24, 2020

#2

Homeschooling, Day 1: My 8-year-old asked if we were done for the day. It’s 9:17. We started at 9.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 24, 2020

#3

*impossibly trying to homeschool my kid*
Ok forget it, just marry someone rich

— Marl (@Marlebean) August 28, 2020

#4

The first rule of parenting is if you open a banana for your child you should be prepared to eat that banana

— Not Another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) August 16, 2020

#5

13- I was pretty young when you had me
Me- I think it’s time you went back to school son

— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) August 31, 2020

#6

Me: (on toilet) Sweety, mommy needs privacy when she pees

3: ok (closes door and stands next to me with the dog)

Me:

3: we private now

— Kids_kubed 🇨🇦 (@Kids_kubed) August 27, 2020

#7

I just gave the kids extra credit for helping carry my wine from the car to the house. Shutup, I'm the teacher now and it's fine. Everything's fine.

— Divergent Mama (@divergentmama) August 31, 2020

#8

My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now

— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) August 20, 2020

#9

My 5-year-old asked me what a poop hole does. After an impromptu lesson on the digestive system, I realized he actually said “pupil.”

Next lesson: Enunciation

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 26, 2020

#10

Every time I tell my daughter I love her, she responds with, “I love daddy,” which is toddler speak for go fu*k yourself, mama. Hashtag blessed.

— Mommy Uncensored (@amomuncensored) August 29, 2020

#11

Homeschooling my kids is reminding me that Teacher was not a suggested occupation on any fu*king career assessment I took.

— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) August 27, 2020

#12

I think I missed the chapter in the parenting books where it said that I would one day have to patiently wait for a stuffed monkey to take a pretend pee while I was running late.

— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) August 27, 2020

#13

*opens door to find my 5YO sprayed an entire bottle of my $80 perfume, painted a dresser in $20 lip gloss, & used my $60 eyeshadow palette on her dolls*

Me: {inaudible SCREAMS}

9: well, this is just GREAT! You BROKE MOM!!!

— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) September 2, 2020

#14

Anyone know which bug spray works best for my kids bugging the sh*t out of me?

— Divergent Mama (@divergentmama) August 27, 2020

#15

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) September 2, 2020

#16

I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.

— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) August 10, 2020

#17

All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun

— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) August 4, 2020

#18

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

— VodkaAndStringCheese (@VodkaAndCheeze) August 21, 2020

#19

Took my kids to the pediatrician yesterday and I told her we’ve barely left the house in 5 months and then she looked at me in all seriousness and asked how much screen time they were getting. I mean... c’mon, lady, read. the. room.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) August 15, 2020

#20

*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*

Teacher: "So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?"

5yo: "My mommy hits me and says 'do good!"

Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: "SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!"

— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) September 3, 2020

#21

If 2020 had a mascot: pic.twitter.com/RltO6XP6v2

— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) August 21, 2020

Preview photo credit: momtransparent1 / twitter.com