#1
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
daddydoubts / Via twitter.com

#2
No one mentioned parenthood would include so many skipped meals but zero weight loss.
aissalanis / Via twitter.com

#3
My kids are so open to experiencing culture. They'll try anything, from chicken tenders at a Mexican restaurant to chicken tenders at a Mediterranean restaurant.
thedad / Via twitter.com

#4
Parenting is just like waitressing only you get the same customers for every meal and they’re the shi*ty kind that demand ridiculous things and then never tip.
SnarkyMommy78 / Via twitter.com

#5
After folding all of the clothes I can only assume that I have 7 children and two husbands that I was not previously aware of.
pro_worrier_ / Via twitter.com

#6
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn't sum up motherhood I don't know what does.
momtribevibe / Via twitter.com

#7
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
mom_tho / Via twitter.com

#8
Being a parent is saying, “Life will be so much easier once this stage is over!” only for that stage to be followed up with an even more annoying stage.
Forever.
sarcasticmommy4 / Via twitter.com

#9
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh... *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
threetimedaddy / Via twitter.com

#10
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
not_thenanny / Via twitter.com

#11
My 3yo asked my husband to braid her hair but he didn't know how. So he bought a giant doll head with hair and last night he was watching videos on how to braid. He told me "I didn't like that I couldn't braid her hair."
stayathomies / Via twitter.com

#12
Me: I've been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird...
mommajessiec / Via twitter.com

#13
Me: What do you guys want me to make you for breakfast?
9yo: Pancakes!
8yo: Waffles!
6yo: Bacon!
Me: Let me rephrase that. Lucky Charms or Frosted Flakes?
mommajessiec / Via twitter.com

#14
Me: did you know tomatoes are a fruit?
Daughter: why?
Me: because they have seeds.
Daughter: does that mean ketchup is a smoothie?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: [frantically flipping through parenting book].
NewDadNotes / Via twitter.com

#15
Yesterday my child tugged on my shirt.
“What can I do for you?” I asked, exhausted. “Mommy is tired. She has nothing left to give.”
She responded by looking deep into my eyes, and then snatching the last of my fries from my plate.
TheNYAMProject / Via twitter.com

#16
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
lmegordon / Via twitter.com

#17
I put my symptoms into WebMD & it turns out I just have kids.
sarcasticmommy4 / Via twitter.com

#18
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Lhlodder / Via twitter.com

#19
Why use a coloring book when this ENTIRE house can be my canvas?!
~Toddlers
HomeWithPeanut / Via twitter.com

#20
40% of parenting small children is just saying “wow” and “cool” when you don’t mean it.
mollymcnearney / Via twitter.com

Preview photo credit: mommajessiec / twitter.com