30+ Tweets For Parents Who Run On Coffee And Wine
Things before coffee = Nope.
#1
Nap time is dead. In memoriam, we ask that you send wine in lieu of flowers.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) October 10, 2016
#2
If anyone tells you I'm rude or bitchy, keep in mind that today I apologized to the microwave when I spilled coffee in it.
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) December 20, 2017
#3
If you invite me to your kid's morning birthday party and don't give me coffee then I'll invite you to my kid's night party and not give you wine.
— Kelcey Kintner (@mamabirddiaries) December 2, 2017
#4
Didn't realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby's room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
— Ashes to ashes (an spooky female) ⚪️ (@adult_mom) March 16, 2016
#5
Watching out the window for husband to get home with my wine & this is the adult version of waiting for the ice cream truck
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) March 10, 2017
#6
It's not fair how parents drink all the coffee but the caffeine goes straight to the kids.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) July 28, 2017
#7
Before coffee: I'm a hot mess.
After coffee: I'm a caffeinated hot mess.
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) December 16, 2017
#8
My 1-year-old threw her grapes on the ground and stomped on them. I’d clean them up, but I’m halfway to wine.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 23, 2013
#9
"I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside."
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) May 5, 2017
#10
Me: "This wine isn't very good."
Also me: "I'll just finish it to clean up things."
— Foxy Wine Pocket (@FoxyWinePocket) November 29, 2017
#11
I'd love a VIP line at my coffee shop for parents whose kids have never slept well
— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) September 15, 2016
#12
I was doing dishes tonight & my 3yo said, "Wine. Mommy need wine."
So now she's my favorite.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) July 10, 2017
#13
Parenting Level: Approving my kids' friends based on which parents I think would drink wine with me during playdates.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) May 7, 2015
#14
There's no calm before the storm quite like drinking coffee before the kids wake up.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) June 29, 2017
#15
My mom always had a coffee cup in the bathroom, and it always grossed me out. Today in my first week home as a parent I drank my coffee on the actual toilet. pic.twitter.com/cJnzkLwbXT
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) January 15, 2018
#16
My son announced a plan to "trap" Santa that involves cookies and wine and I was like not gonna lie that sh*t will absolutely work
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) December 20, 2017
#17
If I didn't have kids, I would have to live my life not knowing which wine pairs best with Dino nuggets.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 28, 2017
#18
Plan: put kids to bed, drink a glass of wine
Real life: put kids to bed, drink a glass of wi...
Put kids back to bed, take a sip of wine
Stick wine glass in fridge, put kids to bed again
Get out wine, sit on couch, fall asleep— here comes the son (@idtweetforever) November 29, 2017
#19
Me: I prevented a tantrum.
Wife: How?
Me: I found the wine opener.
Wife: Oh, it was MY tantrum.— dadpression (@Dadpression) February 21, 2018
#20
If you haven't told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you're a better parent than me.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) July 15, 2016
#21
Just made a coffee instead of having a 3pm wine, god I'm such a health nut
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 5, 2017
#22
I've been on a trip and really miss my kids...wait this coffee tastes weird. It's like all hot and stuff.
— Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad) January 25, 2016
#23
I didn't have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) September 22, 2016
#24
Was just thinking Wife's move of holding wine high and steady as child jumps on lap is probably something a lot of moms have perfected
— dadpression (@Dadpression) July 24, 2016
#25
Wife: *gift wraps a bottle of wine*
Me: Who's that for?
Wife: Me.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 19, 2017
#26
Telling a 2 year old "Don't make a mess" is like asking me to give up wine. It just ain't gonna happen.
— CurrentlyCaprece (@MommieKnwsFresh) April 8, 2015
#27
Things before coffee = Nope.
— Molly England (@bluebonetbabies) November 28, 2017
#28
Moms know how to persevere. We'll reheat 1 cup of coffee over & over again because we WILL drink our coffee hot if it's the last thing we do
— Toni Hammer (@thetonihammer) September 7, 2017
#29
The recipe never mentions how much wine you will need to get through baking cookies with your kids.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 21, 2016
#30
Non-parents gift guide for toddlers: Buy boxed wine. When the parents are done with the wine, the kid can play with the box. Win-win.
— Faux Ma (@Faux_Ma) September 4, 2016
#31
Me, to kids: "Yes, I'll play, as soon as I finish my coffee."
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) July 3, 2017
#32
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) September 8, 2017
#33
Shout out to my five year old for always being there for me.
Like every time I think about giving up wine she reminds me why I shouldn’t..
— CurrentlyCaprece (@MommieKnwsFresh) November 15, 2017
#34
Sleep is for the weak-I whisper as I cry into my 5th cup of coffee.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) December 18, 2017
#35
All parents want is to just get through half a cup of coffee before someone starts crying about putting on socks.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) November 11, 2015
#36
Before kids: "Oh I don't drink coffee"
1 kid: "I'll have one cup, lots of cream & sugar"
2 kids: "THE WHOLE POT BLACK YES I KNOW IT'S HOT"
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) June 16, 2016
#37
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, "told ya."
— ThisOneSaysBoo (@ThisOneSayz) May 1, 2017
#38
If a parent tells you they don't have a favorite they're lying. Coffee is their favorite.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) November 28, 2017
Preview photo credit: UnfilteredMama / twitter.com
