55 Too-Real Tweets About Being in Your 40s
Welcome to your 40s - you now think every car has its brights on.
Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways.
Welcome to your 40s where you go into a fit of rage when random cars use your driveway to turn around.
— 🌴 Envy 🌴 (@envydatropic) October 13, 2018
Friday night in your 20s: Let's go do stupid stuff.
Friday night in your 40s: I need one goddamn hour of silence to read recipes online.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 29, 2017
Morning after a night out:
Teens: That was fun yay
20s: Sorta tired lol
30s: Oof I got puffy eyes
40s: My face has been replaced by a potato
— Kendra Alvey 👻 (@Kendragarden) December 28, 2016
I might be in my 40s but I feel a lot younger until I try to do anything.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) April 28, 2020
"Who said your 40s aren't full of magic," I say to myself as I stand in the cleaning aisle swooning over sponges that are in my favorite color.
— Cathryn 💚🏳️🌈💚 (@AngryRaccoon2) April 23, 2018
Welcome to your 40s. This is the hair style you'll have for the rest of your life.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) December 29, 2017
in my 20s: hiking, painting
in my 30s: board games, travel
in my 40s: singing the wrong numbers in the lyrics to "Seasons of Love" from Rent to infuriate my daughter
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) June 6, 2019
Twist and Shout
A Guide to Yoga in Your 40s
— Northern Lights 🦖🦎🐢 (@PinkCamoTO) April 28, 2018
Welcome to your 40s.
You will never again know where that bruise came from.
— Northern Lights 🦖🦎🐢 (@PinkCamoTO) September 13, 2018
Welcome to your 40s, you don’t even know why but you’re angry.
— i write typos (@MommaUnfiltered) March 6, 2019
Early 20s: I want to yell over the music at a bar for five hours and then get a quesadilla.
Early 40s: I can make a quesadilla at home.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 24, 2017
Welcome to your 40s where the "drinking challenge" no longer involves alcohol but rather 8 FULL glasses of water.
— 🌴 Envy 🌴 (@envydatropic) January 7, 2019
I kind of want to have a beer, but it’s midnight and I already brushed my teeth.
(This might be the most mid-40s thing I’ve ever tweeted.)
— ⚓️🚢Imani Gandy 🚢⚓️ (@AngryBlackLady) December 19, 2019
So far I’ve spent most of my 40s:
• looking for my phone that is in my hand
• refilling prescriptions
• saying, “oh my knees/back/hip” and expecting rain
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) July 9, 2018
Welcome to your 40s - you now think every car has its brights on.
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) December 14, 2019
In my 30s I was still trying to be young and hip but now in my 40s I’m just like you know what give me the coleslaw with the raisins and let’s watch some NCIS.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) November 23, 2019
Welcome to your 40s. Now you sing along to songs in the grocery store.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 21, 2018
How many ibuprofen will it take to kill this pain?
Why is there so much hair growing there?
When did I learn the location of every bathroom in town?
-Questions I ask way too often in my 40s
— Meg the Magnificent (@meghaffer) January 4, 2019
20s: Pay for drinks with change found between the couch cushions.
40s: Pay for drinks with the rebate card we got with the new furnace.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) March 16, 2018
Welcome to your 40s. You google things about your gallbladder now.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) December 18, 2018
In my 40s my definition of an EPIC PARTY is four different cheeses on the antipasto tray.
— Nina Bargiel, Anti-Fascist. BLM. (@slackmistress) October 1, 2018
Welcome to your 40s. Every restaurant, bar and cool location you used to know is now something else.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) February 11, 2018
Teens: let’s get high and walk around aimlessly
20s: let’s get high and make art
30s: let’s get high and fu*k
40s: let’s get high and see the Winston Churchill biopic
— andi zeisler (@andizeisler) December 29, 2017
Welcome to your 40s, you make noises without even realizing it now.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 16, 2018
Welcome to your 40s where you're greeted warmly if you walk into a Hallmark store.
— 🌴 Envy 🌴 (@envydatropic) September 3, 2018
Welcome to your 40s. You’ll now find grey hairs in places you shouldn’t even have hair.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 22, 2019
Your teens: I’ll just sleep on the floor.
Your 20s: I’ll just sleep on the futon.
Your 30s: I’ll just sleep on the couch.
Your 40s: Is this tempurpedic? I can only sleep on tempurpedic. Preferably sleep number 37.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) September 4, 2018
Welcome to your 40s.
'Whippersnapper' has been added to your vocabulary.
— Cathryn 💚🏳️🌈💚 (@AngryRaccoon2) October 16, 2017
They say people stop taking risks in their 40s but we just started a new jigsaw puzzle on our second-to-last day at the beach.
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) July 29, 2020
Going to the movies in your 40s is fun because you need coffee to stay awake through it but you can’t have *too much* or you’ll have to get up 50 times to go to the bathroom.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 14, 2018
If you say something super embarrassing as a teenager, I really want young people to know that by the time you're in your 40s - you'll still be thinking about it
— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) December 19, 2020
nothing makes women in their 40s feel older than reading the dating profiles of men in their 50s who MIGHT want children some day
— ❄️snowjob❄️ (@canadasandra) December 27, 2018
I can already tell my 40s are gonna be all about gettin into falconry
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) June 15, 2015
You think you’re in shape until you’re in your 40s and pull a muscle getting under your weighted blanket.
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) October 28, 2019
39: I'm sure my 40s will be fine!
40: See? I'm fine!
41: Still doing fine!
42: [Need various organs removed, 27 new foods cause heartburn, facial tectonic plate movement reveals wrinkles overnight, left knee now predicts rain, can no longer read without glasses, dairy hates you]
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) March 5, 2019
I’m going to a Dodger game next week w some friends & I am again reminded of the uncomfortably pathetic level of excitement experienced by dads in their 40s-50s when they go on an outing together
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) July 23, 2018
20s: I don't have any weekend plans. :(
30s: I don't have any weekend plans?
40s: I don't have any weekend plans! 🎉💃🏻🍾
— Nina Bargiel, Anti-Fascist. BLM. (@slackmistress) April 2, 2016
The most depressing part about having a hangover in your 40s is that no matter how terrible you feel you somehow look even worse.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) December 9, 2018
Your 40s are great, because you know who you are, but you’re still discovering new things about yourself, like “Hey, I now have seasonal allergies.”
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) September 3, 2019
Gonna start blaming the virus for everything. Oh I gained weight? It’s the virus. I’ve been wearing the same shirt for a week? Also the virus. I’m in my 40s? Virus.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) April 26, 2020
Welcome to your 40s. You now get food stuck in your teeth with every meal.
— Katie Didn't (@Pork_Chop_Hair) March 31, 2018
Friday night in my 20s: out drinking with friends and somehow end up in a pub crawl
Friday night in my 40s: out looking for prescription eye drops and end up having to hop from drugstore to drugstore, just like a pub crawl but waaaay sadder
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) September 20, 2019
Welcome to your 40s. The way your body feels when you’re digesting Mexican food and having a heart attack is now interchangeable.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) August 4, 2018
Your best friend
Teens: See them EVERY DAY or it's over
20s: You see them most
30s: You catch up w/them most
40s: Think they're still alive?
— maura quint (@behindyourback) May 1, 2015
Welcome to your 40s. You're either dieting or feasting like you have one week to live.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) April 15, 2019
Regina King makes me excited for my 40s. All that poise, confidence, beauty, growth, wisdom, biceps, perfect hair, assuredness, performing at the top of her game, the wardrobe, the glowing skin, the blessings. I humbly await my turn! Sheesh!
— Kima Jones 💫☀️🍂📖📚🌱✨ (@kima_jones) December 11, 2019
20s: Living with a roommate isn’t so bad.
30s: All roommates are psychotic and I want to live alone forever.
40s (living with Husband, Mother & her cat, Kids): All roommates are psychotic and I...
— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) September 19, 2018
[shopping for clothes]
in my 20s: i want to look good
in my 30s: i want to be sensible
in my 40s: i don’t want to feel any fabric pressing into my body anywhere
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 16, 2019
Welcome to your 40s where you have no idea what you did to cause the pain you're feeling.
— 🌴 Envy 🌴 (@envydatropic) March 20, 2019
Me in my 20s: Young
Me in my 30s: Young and the Restless
Me in my 40s: Young and the Restless Leg Syndrome
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) July 26, 2019
Welcome to your 40s:
If you fall asleep on the couch for 10 secs anytime before your bedtime, you can’t fall asleep until 2am
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) June 26, 2018
Welcome to your 40s, if you don’t find a strange bruise you don’t remember getting, one will be assigned to you.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 4, 2020
Drinking alone in your 20s: why would you want to?
Drinking alone in your 40s: why wouldn’t you want to?!
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) July 20, 2020
Welcome to your 40s. Leave the closed captioning on, you’re gonna need it.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) February 11, 2019
Husband asked what I want for my bday. Answer: "I'd love some great guacamole!"
Your 40s lower not just life expectancy, but expectations.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) June 14, 2017
Preview photo credit: 9to5buzz