Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways.
My kids are my everything. I mean this literally--they've methodically broken all of my personal belongings over the past four and a half years.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) September 8, 2020
I don't care if there's no trick or treat happening, I will be dressing up as the Mandalorian and the baby will be Baby Yoda all October.
— Kwame Mbalia (@KSekouM) September 8, 2020
I just gave the kids extra credit for helping carry my wine from the car to the house. Shutup, I'm the teacher now and it's fine. Everything's fine.
— Divergent Mama (@divergentmama) August 31, 2020
Nothing brings a family together like switching off the WiFi.
— 🥝Kracked Kiwi🥝 (@KrackedKiwi) September 5, 2020
Shout out to AidanKaden’s mom who started a blog about the intricacies of quilting during quarantine but still can’t understand no cutting in the drop off line
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) September 8, 2020
My kids are picking on their dad for eating the entire pack of cookies that I actually ate and blamed him for.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) September 8, 2020
Recently my 4 yo has said she doesn’t like it when I work (because I’m away from her). I’ve explained that I work so she has food and clothes, and we should be grateful. Today she’s playing “work,” and I hear her telling her sister loudly: WE HAVE TO WORK TO KEEP FROM STARVING.
— Meena Harris (@meenaharris) September 7, 2020
Sorry we’re late my 3yo decided he had to eat his soup with a fork
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) September 8, 2020
Instead of blowing up things for a gender reveal party, the parents to be should hand out wallets. If there’s a dollar inside, it’s a boy, if there’s 72 cents, it’s a girl
— Professor Sarah Parcak (@indyfromspace) September 7, 2020
FEAR IS THE MIND KILLER, BABY!!!!! I scream at my infant and toddler while watching the Dune trailer
— amil (@amil) September 9, 2020
4-year-old: I can't find my shoes.
Me: Where's the last place you saw them?
4: My feet.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 8, 2020
My almost-three-year-old daughter was in the shower with me— she grabbed a gob of my hair from the drain, looked at it in wonder and said “Wow... it’s so beautiful!”
Someone please remind me of this moment in 12 years when she’s calling me the C word.
— Brooklyn Decker (@BrooklynDecker) September 6, 2020
If you mean "cleaning the kids plates off by eating the rest of their nuggets and mac-n-cheese" then, yes, I do clean eating.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 8, 2020
I told my kid to put his toys in the toy box and he told me the entire house is a toy box. He’s not wrong.
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) September 7, 2020
Anyone ever get the urge to bust into your kids’ room, rip the PS4 out of the wall while they’re mid-match, throw it out into the street & run it over with your car multiple times?
No? Just me?
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 7, 2020
Every mother has consumed that soggy, half-eaten cookie that’s been manhandled by a toddler because there’s literally no garbage can in sight.
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) September 6, 2020
I don’t wear white after labour day or on any other day of the year because I have small kids
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) September 5, 2020
If there’s any bright side to the pandemic it’s knowing my son won’t be traumatized by having to country line dance with a classmate in the 5th grade like I was
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) September 7, 2020
Sorry I can't make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered "yes I don't"
— Not Another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) September 6, 2020
Last night, we were listening to Evanescence’s My Immortal and my 6 year old suddenly yells “SHE SOUNDS WORRIED WHAT HAPPENED DID A DUCK FALL OFF HER ROOF?”
And now I have many questions.
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) September 6, 2020
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) September 5, 2020
love these super realistic disney princess face masks! pic.twitter.com/gNzE3ZrHF9
— chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) September 7, 2020
You don’t know sticky until you try to use your kid’s tablet
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) September 6, 2020
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I'm all safe-
4: Why not?
— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) September 9, 2020
My teenager’s biggest fear is me sneezing in front of someone she knows.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 7, 2020
Each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Preview photo credit: KrackedKiwi / twitter.com