Husband: *rearranging our throw pillows*
Me: [from upstairs] That’s not how they go.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 21, 2020
“I’m just a teenage dirtbag BAaaaby” -me, pushing 30, many of my friends have kids
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) April 18, 2020
Wait is there really a tv show where you can win $100,000 just by not having sex for a month. I couldve won over a million dollars last year
— Michaela Okland (@MichaelaOkla) April 23, 2020
to live a fulfilling life, you're supposed to regularly do things that scare you
my anxiety: NAILED IT
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) April 19, 2020
The only thing I’m good at when it comes to home improvement is adding another dog to the family.
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) April 18, 2020
Lately I've been ordering stuff online just to give me a will to live for 4-7 business days.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) April 24, 2020
got a fridge full of bullsh*t leftovers i loathe and resent
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) April 22, 2020
me, turning my wifi off & on again: i am a woman in STEM
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) April 23, 2020
I can’t wait to go back to avoiding people on my own terms.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 20, 2020
wearing jeans today like a goddamn first class passenger on the titanic
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) April 21, 2020
Soup? You mean hot cracker sauce
— Hi, it's Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) April 22, 2020
You’re telling me the earthquake busted in mere minutes after it becoming earth day?? An icon
— chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) April 22, 2020
I’m Mad About Everything and Nothing All at Once: A PMS Tale
— Imani Gandy ☄️🌏🔥 (@AngryBlackLady) April 23, 2020
Every woman's wardrobe needs:
Cursed necklace purchased at garage sale that allows her to move furniture just by thinking about it
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 22, 2020
as i sit here drinking a sprite with vodka, i wonder how many $17 cocktails i've had that were just a sprite with vodka
— Julia Moser (@juliamoserrrr) April 24, 2020
All I need is someone to tell me that making a bunch of epaulettes and sewing them on all my clothes is a bad use of this time.
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) April 20, 2020
This dish is SUPER EASY to make!
- 1,000 spices you don’t own
- 2 quarts. u know what a quart is?
- you’ve never heard of this item in your life. google it bit*h.
- cookware even your parents don’t have
- no not that kind of flour
- good luck finding eggs
— Jill Gutowitz (@jillboard) April 20, 2020
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
— Jill la Jill (@JillianKarger) April 21, 2020
Visit our "Funniest Tweets From Women" page for past roundups.
Preview photo credit: abbycohenwl / twitter.com