Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways.
When your kid asks for waffles and you make them waffles but they cry because they don’t want waffles so you make them cereal and then they scream when you eat their waffles that’s called a 2020
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) July 4, 2020
Look, I dropped my 8yo’s Lego plane and had to put it back together exactly how he made it so don’t tell me I don’t know what stress feels like
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) July 9, 2020
My kids are halfway through the day that they can't use the internet. Sources* say no one has ever suffered this much in the history of the world.
* my kids
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) July 9, 2020
Normal day as a parent: Cooking, cleaning, & carpooling
Your birthday as a parent: Cooking, cleaning, carpooling, & cake
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 7, 2020
Optimists see the cup half-full.
Pessimists see the cup half-empty.
Parents of toddlers see the cup spilled all over the floor.
— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) July 9, 2020
Sure your own kids are annoying, but have you ever met other people’s kids?
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) July 4, 2020
I’m gonna need another vacation after my family vacation because a family vacation is no vacation at all
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) July 10, 2020
It's just not a real family road trip until you are all packed and get halfway down the driveway... without one of your children.
— Divergent Mama (@divergentmama) July 7, 2020
6: hey mom why don’t you go sit down and relax
Me: awesome thanks
*2 minutes later*
6: hey mom let’s write down a list of things you need to relax
— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) June 5, 2020
have kids so you can fondly remember how quiet your life used to be
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) July 8, 2020
My daughter asked me what marriage was like and I nodded and said that sounded great. Then she asked me if I was even listening.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 7, 2020
Me: *being lowered into grave*
My kids: Can you take us to McDonald’s?
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 7, 2020
One nice thing about working with all women is I had to pump during a 4 hour Zoom call today and everyone was like “Fire up those tits and let’s keep going” I AM PARAPHRASING BUT IT WAS COOL/CHILL.
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) July 7, 2020
Soooo I decided to cut my son's hair, and he's now innocently walking around not knowing he looks like Joe Exotic.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) July 7, 2020
Bored so I’ve decided to convince my 12yo that zebras are just stripy horses.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) July 5, 2020
With amusement parks, zoos, movie theaters and more closed, camping is one of the last family-friendly activities you can safely do. Still, no thanks.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 8, 2020
6-year-old: I'm throwing a party in my room!
Me: Awesome! I'll be right up.
6: Sorry. We're full.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 6, 2020
Me, yelling to kids: “Stop YELLING AT EACH OTHER!”
I may be a hypocrite, but I’m a self-aware hypocrite, dammit. And apparently a loud one.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) July 9, 2020
The kids are not fans of Veruca Salt. They're currently yelling at the Willy Wonka movie "You just can't get everything you want, that's not how it works?!"
— jnyemb (@jnyemb) July 5, 2020
My 4 year old just got mad at me for not calling myself the Best Mom in the World, so if you’re looking for a life coach who’ll scream at you until you believe in yourself, have I got a recommendation for you.
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) July 9, 2020
Child: Can mermaids have a seafood allergy?
Me [rubbing temples]: it’s too early for this
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 6, 2020
Listening to my 9yo talk is exactly like watching an episode of drunk history
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) July 9, 2020
Each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Preview photo credit: daddydoubts / twitter.com