#1

I wish I had worded that differently

~ a memoir

— JPo (@Peauxtassium) February 13, 2020

#2

Cashier: Condoms and wine huh?

Me: Hahaha, yeah, baby. You know how it is.

C: ...

M: ...

C: You’re going to make water balloons and drink alone, aren’t you?

M: Just ring it up I’m not on trial here

— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) February 12, 2020

#3

I hate when I go to cook dinner and realize the me that was shopping for groceries and planning meals was an over ambitious bit*h

— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) February 11, 2020

#4

Getting emotional walking around the grocery store cradling a loaf of bread pretending it’s my baby

— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) February 12, 2020

#5

Just saw a thing about how they had to give Blake Lively prosthetic eye bags in The Rythm Section because hers weren’t pronounced enough & I’ve never related to something less

— Heir to Genovia Alanna Mignonette Grimaldi Therm- (@AlannaBennett) February 13, 2020

#6

my friends: come out with us later

me: no sorry i’m busy tonight

also me, later that night: pic.twitter.com/Y3DmL2DJ8o

— kim. (@KimmyMonte) February 14, 2020

#7

stranger at the library: can you watch my stuff?
me: pic.twitter.com/rfm3KkLTT2

— not safa (@yungsids) February 12, 2020

#8

i would settle for being, like, the city comptroller of Flavortown

— rae paoletta🍍 (@PAYOLETTER) February 13, 2020

#9

For Valentine’s Day, remember that people will let you down, but not a single goddamn time has Taco Bell ever let you down.

— Charlotte Clymer 🏳️‍🌈 (@cmclymer) February 11, 2020

#10

every time I remember to floss I reward myself with another 3-4 months of not flossing

— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) February 13, 2020

#11

if i invite you to my apartment you can't laugh at my hunchback of notre dame collectible plate and that's that

— jamieloftus 🏂 (@jamieloftusHELP) February 13, 2020

#12

My hair in the 80s. pic.twitter.com/Ar1Ar7LRKe

— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) February 13, 2020

#13

when a boomer says college used to cost $134 pic.twitter.com/lAKKh6IPTe

— ziwe (@ziwe) February 10, 2020

#14

bong joon-ho after he saw green book win best picture last year pic.twitter.com/O3yhRQrVp0

— nela (@atcnement) February 10, 2020

#15

Instant noodles when a student
✖️depressing
✖️cliché
✖️nutritionally void

Instant noodles plus soft boiled egg as a 30-something
✔️’homemade ramen’
✔️restorative facial steam
✔️quick convenient dinner for the busy working woman

— Lauren Bravo (@laurenbravo) February 11, 2020

#16

scared that if i log into neopets in my adulthood that i will never be able to log back off

— karen han (@karenyhan) February 11, 2020

#17

went for my annual checkup today and my new doc was like you need D, as in **vitamin D** and i was like god i know it's been a while and she was like what and i was like hwhat

— Delia Cai (@delia_cai) February 13, 2020

#18

this dog made mat for navarro this year pic.twitter.com/99sy9LmdA6

— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) February 12, 2020

Visit our "Funniest Tweets From Women" page for past roundups.

Preview photo credit: Peauxtassium / twitter.com