I wish I had worded that differently
~ a memoir
— JPo (@Peauxtassium) February 13, 2020
Cashier: Condoms and wine huh?
Me: Hahaha, yeah, baby. You know how it is.
C: You’re going to make water balloons and drink alone, aren’t you?
M: Just ring it up I’m not on trial here
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) February 12, 2020
I hate when I go to cook dinner and realize the me that was shopping for groceries and planning meals was an over ambitious bit*h
— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) February 11, 2020
Getting emotional walking around the grocery store cradling a loaf of bread pretending it’s my baby
— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) February 12, 2020
Just saw a thing about how they had to give Blake Lively prosthetic eye bags in The Rythm Section because hers weren’t pronounced enough & I’ve never related to something less
— Heir to Genovia Alanna Mignonette Grimaldi Therm- (@AlannaBennett) February 13, 2020
my friends: come out with us later
me: no sorry i’m busy tonight
also me, later that night: pic.twitter.com/Y3DmL2DJ8o
— kim. (@KimmyMonte) February 14, 2020
stranger at the library: can you watch my stuff?
— not safa (@yungsids) February 12, 2020
i would settle for being, like, the city comptroller of Flavortown
— rae paoletta🍍 (@PAYOLETTER) February 13, 2020
For Valentine’s Day, remember that people will let you down, but not a single goddamn time has Taco Bell ever let you down.
— Charlotte Clymer 🏳️🌈 (@cmclymer) February 11, 2020
every time I remember to floss I reward myself with another 3-4 months of not flossing
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) February 13, 2020
if i invite you to my apartment you can't laugh at my hunchback of notre dame collectible plate and that's that
— jamieloftus 🏂 (@jamieloftusHELP) February 13, 2020
My hair in the 80s. pic.twitter.com/Ar1Ar7LRKe
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) February 13, 2020
when a boomer says college used to cost $134 pic.twitter.com/lAKKh6IPTe
— ziwe (@ziwe) February 10, 2020
bong joon-ho after he saw green book win best picture last year pic.twitter.com/O3yhRQrVp0
— nela (@atcnement) February 10, 2020
Instant noodles when a student
Instant noodles plus soft boiled egg as a 30-something
✔️restorative facial steam
✔️quick convenient dinner for the busy working woman
— Lauren Bravo (@laurenbravo) February 11, 2020
scared that if i log into neopets in my adulthood that i will never be able to log back off
— karen han (@karenyhan) February 11, 2020
went for my annual checkup today and my new doc was like you need D, as in **vitamin D** and i was like god i know it's been a while and she was like what and i was like hwhat
— Delia Cai (@delia_cai) February 13, 2020
this dog made mat for navarro this year pic.twitter.com/99sy9LmdA6
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) February 12, 2020
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Preview photo credit: Peauxtassium / twitter.com