#1

yeah, i’m a superspreader. for my GIRLFRIEND

— Jill Gutowitz (@jillboard) October 3, 2020

#2

My screen time report this week just said “no it’s cool we get it”

— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) October 4, 2020

#3

i just ran 4 and a half miles!!! that’s like 10 miles

— Beth McColl (@imteddybless) October 7, 2020

#4

just fell out a 50th story window and so far so good! feels like flying. don’t be afraid of falling out of windows

— Sarah Lazarus (@sarahclazarus) October 6, 2020

#5

It's kinda cool to get to an age where being into "retro stuff" just means being into your own stuff

— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) October 5, 2020

#6

WHY are twentysomething women not in charge of contact tracing?? you could show my friends a photo of a random pub full of men and have their ages, occupations, probable marital status and star signs in under 30 mins! @ the government let's GO

— monicaheisey (@monicaheisey) October 7, 2020

#7

You ever notice we park in a drive way and cry in a drive way?

— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) October 6, 2020

#8

I would like to be cool enough to casually and affectionately call my friends "bit*h" but I think I would mostly just keep apologizing

— Karen Chee (@karencheee) October 6, 2020

#9

i quit smoking for good !!
i smoke for evil now

— jjbinx ☆*:.｡💭 (@imjjbinx) October 7, 2020

#10

Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was.... a lot pic.twitter.com/xguYNF61qd

— Kelly-Leigh Cooper (@kl_coop) October 5, 2020

#11

the cdc: avoid large gatherings and wear a mask

me: ok i won’t see literally anyone or leave my bed ever

— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) October 4, 2020

#12

A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes???? Wtf??? My dogs don't even own bikes tf

— tott (@crazytott) October 5, 2020

#13

Me texting my family group chat: yeah I’m fine!

Claudia Conway: lol she isn’t fine she has depression she’s lying lol but whatever

— Sahana Srinivasan (@sahana_srini) October 6, 2020

#14

hi! my name’s arabella: i’m a size 4, my parents bought me a house in london fields and here’s my 17 minute video on why YOU need to stop buying fast fashion!!!!!!!!!!

— lolly (@lollyadefope) October 6, 2020

#15

Every day I have to ask myself if I answered an email or text IRL or in my mind.

— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) October 8, 2020

#16

I understand when children are twins, but adults????

— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) October 8, 2020

#17

I've never looked into the eyes of a serial killer, but I imagine it's like when my dog stares at me while pooping.

— Marl (@Marlebean) October 8, 2020

#18

I just saw someone refer to mansplaining as 'correctile dysfunction' so please excuse me while I laugh hysterically for 6 hours

— Anwen Kya 🏳️‍🌈🇪🇺🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿 (@Kyatic) October 3, 2020

#19

Speaking as someone with a PhD in Roman history, putting your bodyguards at personal risk for no reason when your political support is already teetering is... an interesting choice

— Caroline Wazer (@CarolineWazer) October 4, 2020

#20

A zillion seasons of Great British Bakeoff and I am no closer to understanding what they think a pudding is

— Amanda Mull (@amandamull) October 3, 2020

Visit our "Funniest Tweets From Women" page for past roundups.

Preview photo credit: imjjbinx / twitter.com