yeah, i’m a superspreader. for my GIRLFRIEND
— Jill Gutowitz (@jillboard) October 3, 2020
My screen time report this week just said “no it’s cool we get it”
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) October 4, 2020
i just ran 4 and a half miles!!! that’s like 10 miles
— Beth McColl (@imteddybless) October 7, 2020
just fell out a 50th story window and so far so good! feels like flying. don’t be afraid of falling out of windows
— Sarah Lazarus (@sarahclazarus) October 6, 2020
It's kinda cool to get to an age where being into "retro stuff" just means being into your own stuff
— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) October 5, 2020
WHY are twentysomething women not in charge of contact tracing?? you could show my friends a photo of a random pub full of men and have their ages, occupations, probable marital status and star signs in under 30 mins! @ the government let's GO
— monicaheisey (@monicaheisey) October 7, 2020
You ever notice we park in a drive way and cry in a drive way?
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) October 6, 2020
I would like to be cool enough to casually and affectionately call my friends "bit*h" but I think I would mostly just keep apologizing
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) October 6, 2020
i quit smoking for good !!
i smoke for evil now
— jjbinx ☆*:.｡💭 (@imjjbinx) October 7, 2020
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was.... a lot pic.twitter.com/xguYNF61qd
— Kelly-Leigh Cooper (@kl_coop) October 5, 2020
the cdc: avoid large gatherings and wear a mask
me: ok i won’t see literally anyone or leave my bed ever
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) October 4, 2020
A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes???? Wtf??? My dogs don't even own bikes tf
— tott (@crazytott) October 5, 2020
Me texting my family group chat: yeah I’m fine!
Claudia Conway: lol she isn’t fine she has depression she’s lying lol but whatever
— Sahana Srinivasan (@sahana_srini) October 6, 2020
hi! my name’s arabella: i’m a size 4, my parents bought me a house in london fields and here’s my 17 minute video on why YOU need to stop buying fast fashion!!!!!!!!!!
— lolly (@lollyadefope) October 6, 2020
Every day I have to ask myself if I answered an email or text IRL or in my mind.
— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) October 8, 2020
I understand when children are twins, but adults????
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) October 8, 2020
I've never looked into the eyes of a serial killer, but I imagine it's like when my dog stares at me while pooping.
— Marl (@Marlebean) October 8, 2020
I just saw someone refer to mansplaining as 'correctile dysfunction' so please excuse me while I laugh hysterically for 6 hours
— Anwen Kya 🏳️🌈🇪🇺🏴 (@Kyatic) October 3, 2020
Speaking as someone with a PhD in Roman history, putting your bodyguards at personal risk for no reason when your political support is already teetering is... an interesting choice
— Caroline Wazer (@CarolineWazer) October 4, 2020
A zillion seasons of Great British Bakeoff and I am no closer to understanding what they think a pudding is
— Amanda Mull (@amandamull) October 3, 2020
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Preview photo credit: imjjbinx / twitter.com