20 Brutally Real Marriage Tweets That Made Me Laugh Like No Other

"I've been married for over 16 years. I barely can remember what 'that thing I like' is."

Marriage is 50% your wife being upset that you don't do enough chores and 50% of her yelling at you for ruining her shirt by doing the laundry.
RodLacroix / Via twitter.com

My husband just got back from the gym and took a nap on the freshly washed sheets and he could have just told me he wanted a divorce.
mom_ontherocks / Via twitter.com


Wife: You're doing it wrong.
Me: What?
Wife: *motions vaguely in the direction of my entire life*
XplodingUnicorn / Via twitter.com

My husband arguing with me about how much I like to argue is the spark that keeps this marriage alive.
sarcasticmommy4 / Via twitter.com

I have a cold and it’s pretty bad but my wife has a husband with a cold and apparently that’s way worse.
simoncholland / Via twitter.com

Instead of asking my husband to do something, I just casually mention 300 times that it needs to be done and hope he picks up what I’m laying down. And so far, this strategy has been wildly unsuccessful.
Lhlodder / Via twitter.com

My husband surprised me with a night out to celebrate the anniversary of our first date. I was reminded of the man I fell in love with.

We arrived at the theater and learned the movie was playing at a different location a full hour earlier. I was reminded of the man I married.
GoodSheWrites / Via twitter.com

A marriage is like a car in the sense that I have no idea what to do when it breaks down.
daddydoubts / Via twitter.com


MarriageMartini / Via twitter.com

I've been married for over 16 years, I barely can remember what that thing I like is.
Divergentmama / Via twitter.com

Thank you for loading the dishwasher but you did it wrong
~ a love letter to my husband
VisionBored1 / Via twitter.com

Me: I think I’m getting sick.
Wife: Hold on, I have something for that.
Me: Okay.
Wife: [starts smothering me with a pillow]
RodLacroix / Via twitter.com

My husband came home from being gone for 6 days, walked through the door & went straight to the dog.
And that’s what it’s like to be married for 20 years.
sarcasticmommy4 / Via twitter.com

Wife: Can you do something for me?
Me: Sure.
Wife: Can you do it without complaining?
Me: I'll get someone else.
XplodingUnicorn / Via twitter.com

My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
MaryJustice86 / Via twitter.com

Anyone ever put your spouse on speakerphone cuz you’re so mad that you don’t want to be “near them”?
thevaginadiary / Via twitter.com

MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
mom_ontherocks / Via twitter.com

Me: Do you want to watch this show with me?
Husband: No thanks. You go ahead.
*6 episodes later*
Husband: So who's that guy? Why's he doing that? Wasn't he doing that other thing before? Hey, where are you going?
PinkCamoTO / Via twitter.com

"No means no," I remind my wife, as she eyes the pimple on my shoulder.
SladeWentworth / Via twitter.com


pro_worrier_ / Via twitter.com

The key to a happy marriage is understanding each other's love languages.
My language is words of affirmation.
My wife's is doughnuts.
XplodingUnicorn / Via twitter.com