21 Brutally Funny Marriage Tweets I Can’t Get Out Of My Head

Marriage is hard.

The Mrs and I have been married so long she can finish my sentences.
She also starts most of them and supplies the middle parts too.
TheAlexNevil / Via twitter.com

Wife: [still sleeping]
Me: [tiptoes around in socks, whispers, uses headphones for TV]

Me: [still sleeping]
Wife: [runs vacuum cleaner, starts learning how to tap dance]
RodLacroix / Via twitter.com


Times I’ve seen my husband cry:

1. Our wedding
2. The birth of our children
3. The time I mowed the grass too short
mommajessiec / Via twitter.com

My wife just asked for my opinion on new window treatments; it’s a trap right?
Tryptofantastic / Via twitter.com

My wife managed to open a jar of pickles herself and I am now nonessential.
thedadvocate01 / Via twitter.com

Marriage is having separate tubes of toothpaste because your spouse squeezes it wrong.
mom_tho / Via twitter.com

*watching husband sleep*
Me: "I just love him so much, he's my everyth-"
*husband snores*
Me: "I can't live like this."
Six_Pack_Mom / Via twitter.com

"No means no," I remind my wife, as she eyes the pimple on my shoulder.
SladeWentworth / Via twitter.com

Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife's home.
_troyjohnson / Via twitter.com

30% of marriage is adjusting the thermostat when the other person isn’t looking.
SladeWentworth / Via twitter.com

I need you to be spontaneous. Be predictable. I need intimacy. Give me my space. Load the dishwasher. Not like that.
TwoSapphiresBlu / Via twitter.com

WIFE: can you pass the salt?
ME: *passes salt*
WIFE: no that's the centerpiece salt, i mean the one from the cabinet
TheCatWhisprer / Via twitter.com

My husband just said, "Okey dokey, Artichokey," and now I'm wondering if anyone can recommend a good divorce lawyer.
3sunzzz / Via twitter.com

Got in my car this morning & was surprised to find my husband had filled my gas tank & had gotten it washed.
Act of kindness or guilty of something? Marriage is hard.
sarcasticmommy4 / Via twitter.com

"You see, when a man loves a woman very, very much, he makes her coffee," I explain to my kids while looking at my husband.
yenniwhite / Via twitter.com

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
KentWGraham / Via twitter.com

Wife: What movie should we watch?
Me: That depends. Are you going to stay awake past the opening credits?
Wife: *already asleep*
XplodingUnicorn / Via twitter.com

Text from wife: I'm so sorry, I'm gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
david8hughes / Via twitter.com

*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we - stop screaming, it's just me- are we out of Cheetos?
iwearaonesie / Via twitter.com

me: drying last pot after doing dishes for 45 mins⁣
husband: do you need any help?
itsPKav / Via twitter.com

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
TheNYAMProject / Via twitter.com

Preview photo credit: SladeWentworth / twitter.com