Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways.
More like detachment parenting am I right?!?
— amil (@amil) August 16, 2020
Here’s a little song I wrote about doing the kids laundry it’s called “Why Are There Seashells in the Lint Trap We Don’t Even Live Near an Ocean” and a one and a two
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) August 17, 2020
Any jeans can be mom jeans if there’s random legos in the pockets.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 18, 2020
My kids could fart and my father-in-law would be like, “Great job! Here’s five bucks.”
— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 20, 2020
parenting is cooking food to a safe internal temperate and then waiting three hours until it cools back down to a temp my child can tolerate
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) August 15, 2020
A few years into being a parent you discover there is virtually zero difference between the sound of siblings happily playing together and the sound of siblings viciously trying to murder each other.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) August 20, 2020
9yo asked why Big Brother was called Big Brother and was extremely baffled by our explanations. I admit it’s a bit weird to hear “oh yes this funny reality show is named after the murderous totalitarian villain from a classic dystopian novel”
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) August 17, 2020
One of the hardest parts of teaching your kids to be independent is watching them tie their shoes for 8 minutes.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 20, 2020
Being stuck at home with my kids all year means my Spotify 2020 Wrap Up is gonna be all kinds of fu*ked up.
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) August 19, 2020
This is evil but nothing makes me happier than knowing a super healthy chef-type person I follow on Instagram’s kids hate the healthy food at their house and binge Doritos when they visit their friends
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) August 20, 2020
Teacher: There are 14 slices of bread in a loaf. What are the odds that your sandwich will have both of the end pieces?
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 18, 2020
I try be honest with my kids in all situations unless I hear the ice cream truck coming in which case the music means they’re all out of ice cream.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) August 21, 2020
Me, to son: “Let me open that Capri Sun for you; they’re tricky.”
*pokes straw through side*
“Damn! Get me another.”
*stabs through side again*
“DAMMIT! One more-“
*pokes straw through the side*
“Have some milk; it’s healthier.”
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 18, 2020
We are driving an hour away to a 9 AM appointment at a drive-thru exhibition called Jurassic Quest.......if this kid doesn’t take care of me in my old age I swear to god
— josie duffy rice (@jduffyrice) August 16, 2020
So Will and I just tried to explain to our 3 year old what we do for a living. She was not impressed. 🤷🏽♀️#ToddlersAreSavage
— Audra McDonald (@AudraEqualityMc) August 16, 2020
All the grandparents out there watching grandkids while they attend virtual schooling: now’s your chance to teach them cursive.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) August 18, 2020
True story. As a kid I had a marble collection. I kept it for 30 years and gave it to our first kid when he was old enough. Sadly they constantly ended up all over the house. Worried that our 3yo would choke on one I threw them away. My kids have literally made me lose my marbles
— ThreeTimeDaddy (@threetimedaddy) August 17, 2020
I tracked 16’s phone to see if he was where he was supposed to be. He was not. So I called 16 and asked where he was. He named the place he was supposed to be. I said oh REALLY? And the sound of his sighing realization that technology is a real bitch literally made my whole day.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) August 18, 2020
My kids giving me a dare while playing truth or dare:
I dare you to drink a whole glass of water without taking a breath...well, you should take breath...just drink it in thirty seconds...and if you can’t, it’s ok, nothing happens!
— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) August 18, 2020
8-year-old: How many doughnuts can I have?
8: One total or one at a time?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 19, 2020
Just went & picked up our school supplies.
A pack of sticky notes & a handle of vodka.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 18, 2020
Each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Preview photo credit: amil / twitter.com