Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways.
There are 5 of us in this house and 738 shoes by the front door this does not check out
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) November 29, 2020
Our middle child (?) says we neglect him
— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) November 30, 2020
My tween is cooking breakfast.
87 dishes later we have 12 muffins.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 30, 2020
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a "single Pringle" forever and I'm laughing so hard I can't even be mad.
— La Femme Fatali🐞 (@toomanycommas3) November 29, 2020
2020 brings a whole new meaning to that part in It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas that goes "and Mom and Dad can hardly wait for school to start again."
— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) November 30, 2020
If you want to piss off a toddler just tell him he’s tired.
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) December 1, 2020
The problem with children is that they are never as hung over as you are.
— Matty Pumpkin (@bestestname) November 29, 2020
“I WANT MOMMY TO CUT MY HAIR,” my 6 year old yelled, at once exercising his bodily autonomy and exhibiting absolutely dismal decision making skills.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) December 1, 2020
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that...
Kids: He has COVID.
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) December 1, 2020
I've started telling my kids "if I find it, I get to keep it" when they ask me to look for stuff, and it's miraculous how fast they find things on their own after that
— QuaranTWIN Dad (@DadisGrumpy) December 1, 2020
If a child’s laughter is the best sound in the world, then a child trying to snort a booger back up into their sinus cavity is the worst.
— Jonesy The Beautiful Idiot 🇨🇦 (@VikingJonesy) December 2, 2020
Grew up listening to Indian mythology. Stories with demons, death and gory violence, and here I’m protecting my 5YO from Peppa Pig
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) December 3, 2020
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) December 1, 2020
If you give your toddler a spoon for her cheddar chex mix, it's not junk food, it's a fine motor skill exercise.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) December 1, 2020
Me: I don’t like cake pops. I don’t like knowing people roll their hands all over them.
11: Yeah, well a chicken pops an egg out its butt and you eat that.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) November 29, 2020
Our Elf on the shelf is named Michelf Obama. Apparently today was “Bring your spouse to work” day at the North Pole. pic.twitter.com/hs8Kf3W31M
— Audra McDonald (@AudraEqualityMc) December 1, 2020
Our daughter asked me what “cremation” means so I told her and she responded that it “sounds delicious” so apparently I’m raising a sweet golden-haired Hannibal Lecter
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) December 1, 2020
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don't even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
— Buffaluffagus 🙈 (@MissSassy_Pants) November 30, 2020
Other moms: making sure their kids are on task while learning remotely
Me: In another room, eating all the snacks and binge watching Netflix, shouting out “have a good day at school”
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) December 1, 2020
my four year old mispronounces curse words which is cute and not at all horrifying when she yells “bammit!!” and “cheese crisis!!!”
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) November 29, 2020
You probably shouldn’t teach your child to kick their dad in the chest while yelling “this is Sparta” I know this now.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) November 29, 2020
Does anyone have any advice for my 3 year old who wants to know how he can eat a different desert after deciding he doesn’t want to eat the one he just ate?
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) December 2, 2020
Each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Preview photo credit: thedadvocate01 / twitter.com