my gf send me flowers and my roomate said “what’s the occasion” let’s have a moment of silence for straight girls
— andrea (@andreafaery) July 11, 2020
“spa day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”- me hopping in the shower for the first time in 9 days
— Catherine Cohen (@catcohen) July 13, 2020
so we all invested $150 and three months of gardening into a half bowl of pesto right
— Kelly Bachman (@bellykachman) July 13, 2020
sometimes my battery is about to die and instead of getting a charger I go...you know what? nvm. take a rest girl you deserve it
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) July 12, 2020
Woke up with a jolt remembering I moved schools in the middle of 3rd grade so all the 3rd graders had to write cards to me and one kid just taped two quarters in his and wrote, “Good luck out there, hope this helps”
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) July 12, 2020
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
— Jill Gutowitz (@jillboard) July 14, 2020
The Netflix algorithm has successfully identified my favorite TV show genre which is middle-aged British lady who solves complicated crimes despite her extremely shitty husband.
— Amanda Guinzburg (@Guinz) July 13, 2020
Dill is the herb equivalent of an acquaintance you run into at a party & wonder "Why aren't we better friends? She's so rad!!!"
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 13, 2020
As soon as the pandemic ends I will hug my friends and never let go. They will be like “Karen pls, it is getting hot and uncomfortable” but I will keep hugging. This tweet seemed sweet but actually it is a warning to my friends
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) July 15, 2020
congrats on the instagram soft launch of ur boyfriend (pic on story, elbow and side profile only)
— Rachel Sennott (@Rachel_Sennott) July 13, 2020
sometimes people will reply to ur instagram story and it's like oh great now this is my problem
— steph mccann (@steph_mcca) July 14, 2020
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
— kayla kumari upadhyaya (@KaylaKumari) July 15, 2020
Maybe I'll eat a handful of grapes or maybe I'll bake a whole Texas Sheet Cake. Who's to say?
— Akilah Green (@akilahgreen) July 14, 2020
ppl on etsy are so extra. u order ONE pair of earrings and when u go to open the package a bunch of confetti, two starbursts and a love letter from the artist flies out
— corie johnson (@corietjohnson) July 13, 2020
“Who all gonna be there?” hits harder in a pandemic.
— brittany packnett cunningham does not do remixes. (@MsPackyetti) July 14, 2020
when alternative meat products r like “do not overcook” i’m like “u know i know ur fake right?”
— Ms. Grace Kuhlenschmidt (@GKuhlenschmidt) July 15, 2020
another day of my dad forgetting our amazon accounts are linked ... pic.twitter.com/LulrbXR8hK
— Gerri 🌙 (@cherhorowiz) July 16, 2020
quarantine is hitting some harder than others https://t.co/ZjD0DQXhpp
— birthday bitch ♌︎ (@stelleom) July 12, 2020
Visit our "Funniest Tweets From Women" page for past roundups.
Preview photo credit: bellykachman / twitter.com