Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways.
My animal-obsessed son has decided that he's nocturnal. He still sleeps at night but insists that he can see in the dark & won't let us turn on the lights for him. The highlight of my evening is him tripping over toys and bumping into walls while acting like he meant to do it.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) December 13, 2020
13 informed 10 today that dong means penis. So now he sings "ding penis" when "ding dong" is in Christmas music. Then, he laughs like he is the funniest person in the world.
— Magnificently 🎄 Messy (@Musings_of_wine) December 13, 2020
My 7yo uses an online reading app and she made her username “Poop,” so I keep getting emails with this subject line but I guess I should be glad Poop is reading. pic.twitter.com/aQ0LO2xiCW
— SpacedMom (@copymama) December 15, 2020
If you’re tired of always being the first one to join zoom meetings you should consider having kids
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) December 15, 2020
Husband and I couldn't keep a plant alive so we moved straight to raising kids.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) December 16, 2020
My kid's toothbrush: pic.twitter.com/o1aLqfMHQa
— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) December 13, 2020
[Overheard daughter talking to ex-husband]
“You better have those Christmas lights up this weekend, dad. Do it now while it’s still warm or you’ll never do it. “
It’s like I never moved out.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) December 14, 2020
“I’ve got a tiger in my tummy,” my 3-year-old’s way of explaining that his tummy hurts is my new way.
— Momsense Ensues (@momsense_ensues) December 14, 2020
I never realized how annoying I can be, until I spent the entire day with my kid who acts exactly like me!
— Positively R@ndi (@ICantEven001) December 12, 2020
Stop giving new moms diaper cakes and onesies
Give those mamas what they need to survive. Extra strength painkillers, dry shampoo, borderline illegal strength coffee and ear plugs
Slap a bow on it you’re feeling fancy
— Kids_kubed 🇨🇦 (@Kids_kubed) December 14, 2020
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) December 13, 2020
maybe the garbage man isn’t a friend because nicky is an a*shole and his moms stew is sh*t pic.twitter.com/DA3ndqQxCh
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) December 16, 2020
I'm a good mom, but not a "not gonna chuckle to myself when you get hurt doing something I told you not to do" good mom.
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) December 15, 2020
i can't wait to go to your house one day and break all your sh*t.
- all parents to their kids
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) December 14, 2020
Drove our kids around town to look at Christmas lights but they brought an iPad so they could watch a different kid drive around his town looking at lights.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 14, 2020
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) December 14, 2020
4, jumping into my arms: mommy I’m never ever going to leave you
Me, heart bursting: oh my precious girl!
4: can I have some chocolate?
Annnnnnd there it is.
— 🎄♥️ Marissa 💚🎄 (@michimama75) December 14, 2020
My 6yo left a donut on her dresser when she went to bed, 'just in case she needs it.' And I’ve never felt closer to her.
— Lil Bit of Holiday Cheer 🌈 (@LizerReal) December 16, 2020
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
— Son of Dad (@ThugRaccoons) December 14, 2020
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) December 14, 2020
Sometimes I like to live dangerously by asking my kids what they’d like for Christmas after they’ve written their letters to Santa and we’ve bought all the presents
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) December 13, 2020
4 said she didn’t want to eat her broccoli and I said I didn’t want her to wake me up every night for the last 4 years but here we are
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) December 15, 2020
7: Mommy, if there are elves that wrap the presents, and that's their ONLY job, why aren't they better at it? Our elves are so bad at wrapping!
Me: *mumbling* Maybe they're tired from all the other bullsh-
Husband: BECAUSE THEIR HANDS ARE SO SMALL! MAKES IT HARDER!
— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) December 15, 2020
Each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Preview photo credit: copymama / twitter.com