Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways.
I miss the days of threatening “GET DRESSED OR I’M TAKING YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!”
Oh, the irony.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 12, 2020
My tween talks a lot of smack for someone whose entire social existence currently depends on MY Wifi.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 12, 2020
Having three kids taught me that I'm capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) August 11, 2020
There's 2 kinds of Moms in this world, those who post cute pictures of their kids and those who post cute pictures of themselves their kids are in.
— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) August 13, 2020
“Fu*k this you’re gonna learn a trade”
— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) August 10, 2020
Tried to watch the birth video my husband shot and as the baby comes out I screamed NOPE! And threw the phone away
— amil (@amil) August 10, 2020
If you’re not belting out It Must Have Been Love with your teenage daughter to help get a boy out of her system, then you’re not me.
— SeaShell (@DianeP89) August 10, 2020
Sad and confused that I shouted at my children to be quiet, because they kept interrupting my wife, who was shouting at me
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 11, 2020
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
— Just Heather 🖤 (@weedswildflowrs) August 10, 2020
My 6 year old thinks pepper is spicy, and I mean I don’t wanna point any fingers but I will because his Dad is White and I’m somehow distantly related to Beyoncé so we all know whose genes are to blame here.
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) August 9, 2020
2.5yo to our neighbor: "I have a lot of itchy nipples."
Me to neighbor: "Mosquito bites. He means mosquito bites."
— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) August 11, 2020
I had to cough but my kids were sleeping so I literally just choked on my own saliva because apparently I choose dying over accidentally waking them up.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) August 11, 2020
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 13, 2020
6: Will you make me a sandwich?
Me: I’m on a zoom meeting
6: Pause it
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) August 13, 2020
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) August 10, 2020
I’ve gone from denial, to anger, to bargaining, and finally to accepting that my kids no longer have screen time limits.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) August 12, 2020
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) August 10, 2020
See, it’s easy if the watch says 8:15 you just say eight fifteen.
Ok we are done here I guess you just passed third grade.
-Me helping my kids finish digital learning for the year.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 12, 2020
11 snuck these into the shopping cart and now I have no choice but to sneak them into our dinner. pic.twitter.com/ecE3B02xpW
— ❤️Jar Jar Drinks🤙 (@HushJared) August 10, 2020
My daughter grabbed a random kitten from the street and had the nerve to tell me to relax 😭😐 pic.twitter.com/fT1wsOXTh6
— P. (@ohitspam_) August 8, 2020
failing as a parent is when your daughter exclaims she can’t wait for her privates to grow so she can pee like her brother
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) August 11, 2020
My 2.5 has learned several new phrases like "be quiet", "stop talking", "that's dumb", "don't touch me", and my personal favorite, "shhh, your singing hurts me"
— Not Another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) August 11, 2020
My 9yo just yelled “bar fight” and punched his older brother. This is my legacy.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) August 12, 2020
I came downstairs this morning to hear my 8yo asking his dad how women get pregnant and I suddenly remembered all the cleaning I had to do upstairs
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) August 10, 2020
Each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Preview photo credit: Swishergirl24 / twitter.com