Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways.

#1

My 4yo used the phrase “a long time ago today” to describe the morning and it’s probably the most accurate description I’ve ever heard.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 17, 2020

#2

Parents, to their kids: Hey, you guys have to be nicer to each other.

Parents, to their own siblings: Hey, idiots.

— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) May 16, 2020

#3

Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) May 21, 2020

#4

It’s the last week of school and I’m proud to say my husband and I have a B- in 3rd grade math

— NoTasha (@looksliketuttut) May 18, 2020

#5

I’m urgently looking for a parenting book that has a chapter on how to peel an orange correctly for a 3 year old. It’s life or death.

— ThreeTimeDaddy (@threetimedaddy) May 21, 2020

#6

My child: I want a snack.
Me: Okay, just give me one minute and I will get it for you.
What my child heard: You will never eat another snack again. Commence with the screaming.

— Jordyn Armour (@survivingmommy_) May 17, 2020

#7

My toddler‘s playing this game in the bath where he flings his washcloth around it’s called “fu*k you dad”

— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) May 19, 2020

#8

Charlie Brown's teacher,
but it's my kid explaining Minecraft to me.

— Marl (@Marlebean) May 19, 2020

#9

No one mentioned parenthood would include so many skipped meals but zero weight loss.

— Possum Kingdom 🖤 (@aissalanis) May 20, 2020

#10

My middle schooler just remembered there is a lunch in her locker.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 18, 2020

#11

Have kids so that you can see your dogs running around your house wearing your only clean bras.

— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) May 18, 2020

#12

[buying shoes for our kids]

her: which do you like better

me: idk probably our daughter

— Christopher Ashman (@CAshmanActor) May 20, 2020

#13

Show me a mom who says she’s never thrown a towel over pee on the bed in the middle of the night and I’ll show you a damn liar.

— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) May 19, 2020

#14

I really miss my son texting me from school to let me know he didn’t like what I put in his lunch.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 21, 2020

#15

parenting makes you do weird things like hate the daylight for waking your kids and preventing them from going to bed

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 21, 2020

#16

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 21, 2020

#17

I only let my kids cheat at board games if it ends the game faster.

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) May 21, 2020

#18

My toddler demanded shorts and now he's crying that they are broken because they don't cover his legs

— Not Another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) May 17, 2020

#19

Me: *Sitting quietly at dinner table as one kid screams/has tantrum while other kid eats as slowly as effing possible because she’s about that life.

Apple Watch: ⛑“Your heart rate rose above 120 BPM while you seemed to be inactive for 10 minutes.”⛑

I’m not gonna make it.

— Elon James White wears a Mask (@elonjames) May 17, 2020

#20

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-

Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8

— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) May 21, 2020

#21

I've decided to forgive everyone who calls their dog their "child" in order to make mental space to hate on people who call themselves "plant parents"

— The Dad (@thedad) May 18, 2020

#22

8-year-old: Hey Google, what day is it?

Me: It's sad that you have to ask.

8: Then you tell me.

Me: Let's see what Google says.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 21, 2020

#23

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

Follow me for more parenting hacks.

— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) May 20, 2020

#24

🎵 I believe the children are our future

Me: oh yes

🎵 Teach them well

Me: oh no

— Divergent Mama (@divergentmama) May 19, 2020

#25

“That’s it! I’m done!” I yell at my family as I continue to do absolutely everything for them, every day for the next 70 years.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) May 20, 2020

Each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.

Preview photo credit: 9to5Buzz