Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways.
My 4yo used the phrase “a long time ago today” to describe the morning and it’s probably the most accurate description I’ve ever heard.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 17, 2020
Parents, to their kids: Hey, you guys have to be nicer to each other.
Parents, to their own siblings: Hey, idiots.
— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) May 16, 2020
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) May 21, 2020
It’s the last week of school and I’m proud to say my husband and I have a B- in 3rd grade math
— NoTasha (@looksliketuttut) May 18, 2020
I’m urgently looking for a parenting book that has a chapter on how to peel an orange correctly for a 3 year old. It’s life or death.
— ThreeTimeDaddy (@threetimedaddy) May 21, 2020
My child: I want a snack.
Me: Okay, just give me one minute and I will get it for you.
What my child heard: You will never eat another snack again. Commence with the screaming.
— Jordyn Armour (@survivingmommy_) May 17, 2020
My toddler‘s playing this game in the bath where he flings his washcloth around it’s called “fu*k you dad”
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) May 19, 2020
Charlie Brown's teacher,
but it's my kid explaining Minecraft to me.
— Marl (@Marlebean) May 19, 2020
No one mentioned parenthood would include so many skipped meals but zero weight loss.
— Possum Kingdom 🖤 (@aissalanis) May 20, 2020
My middle schooler just remembered there is a lunch in her locker.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 18, 2020
Have kids so that you can see your dogs running around your house wearing your only clean bras.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) May 18, 2020
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
— Christopher Ashman (@CAshmanActor) May 20, 2020
Show me a mom who says she’s never thrown a towel over pee on the bed in the middle of the night and I’ll show you a damn liar.
— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) May 19, 2020
I really miss my son texting me from school to let me know he didn’t like what I put in his lunch.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 21, 2020
parenting makes you do weird things like hate the daylight for waking your kids and preventing them from going to bed
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 21, 2020
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 21, 2020
I only let my kids cheat at board games if it ends the game faster.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) May 21, 2020
My toddler demanded shorts and now he's crying that they are broken because they don't cover his legs
— Not Another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) May 17, 2020
Me: *Sitting quietly at dinner table as one kid screams/has tantrum while other kid eats as slowly as effing possible because she’s about that life.
Apple Watch: ⛑“Your heart rate rose above 120 BPM while you seemed to be inactive for 10 minutes.”⛑
I’m not gonna make it.
— Elon James White wears a Mask (@elonjames) May 17, 2020
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) May 21, 2020
I've decided to forgive everyone who calls their dog their "child" in order to make mental space to hate on people who call themselves "plant parents"
— The Dad (@thedad) May 18, 2020
8-year-old: Hey Google, what day is it?
Me: It's sad that you have to ask.
8: Then you tell me.
Me: Let's see what Google says.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 21, 2020
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) May 20, 2020
🎵 I believe the children are our future
Me: oh yes
🎵 Teach them well
Me: oh no
— Divergent Mama (@divergentmama) May 19, 2020
“That’s it! I’m done!” I yell at my family as I continue to do absolutely everything for them, every day for the next 70 years.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) May 20, 2020
Each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Preview photo credit: 9to5Buzz