Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways.

#1

MY KID: can i have a snack?
ME: no, it’s lunch time
KID: but i’m not hungry

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) December 31, 2020

#2

My baby been watching peppa pig 🐷 and now Everytime she sees a wetpuddle she wants to stomp on top of it 😒😒That sh*t gets me so tight ! Fu*kin up her uggs......Deum you peppa pig ...COUNT YOUR FU*KIN DAYS!🤬

— iamcardib (@iamcardib) December 28, 2020

#3

By the age of 3, the average toddler has taken exactly 2 bites out of 372 bananas.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 29, 2020

#4

Does anyone have a trophy? My son cleaned up dog vomit and wants one.

— Laurie Kilmartin (@anylaurie16) January 1, 2021

#5

Shout out to all the dads who got chore lists cleverly disguised as Home Depot gift cards for Christmas.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 27, 2020

#6

Me: please help clear the table

5: When you’re dead will I get your stuff?

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) December 31, 2020

#7

I can’t wait for the day my 3 year old realises I can see his toys just fine when they’re not thrust within an inch of my eyeball

— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) December 27, 2020

#8

In a tragic turn of events, my 10 YO is currently suffering from a severe case of life-threatening boredom just days after opening a new Xbox, a telescope, 7 video games, a computer chair & countless books, games & puzzles for Christmas. Plz pray he pulls thru, y’all🥺

— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) December 29, 2020

#9

Me: Good morn-

5yo: pic.twitter.com/5HnhqOeW7V

— Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters LLC (@Steph_I_Will) December 28, 2020

#10

If my son doesn't stop reading over my shoulder while I'm tweeting, he's gonna accidentally discover he was adopted.

— Kracked Kiwi (@KrackedKiwi) December 29, 2020

#11

My toddler learned the word "mine" so you all belong to her now.

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) January 1, 2021

#12

My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.

— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) December 31, 2020

#13

My son was just absolutely astonished to discover that people who were alive in the 70’s are still alive today.

— Breaking Dad🧅 (@erichwithach) December 29, 2020

#14

It’s 4:52pm and my 4yo just said, “ughh, why isn’t it nighttime already?!” And just like that, she turned into a middle-aged mom of two.

— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) December 27, 2020

#15

I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.

— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) December 30, 2020

#16

The only moods my kids have: pic.twitter.com/5gtVuknfiU

— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) December 29, 2020

#17

Someone gave my 7yo a cake pop baking kit for Christmas. So anyway, she helped mix a few ingredients for 5 minutes and then I made cake pops.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) December 30, 2020

#18

6-year-old: I wish I was a bird.

Me: So you could fly?

6: So I could poop on things.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 28, 2020

#19

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) December 28, 2020

#20

“Everything a child does is of God.”

My kids sh*t like hippos, Brenda, so I think my version of Heaven is very different from yours.

— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) December 29, 2020

#21

Nobody is more amused with themself than an 8 year old who successfully gave their parent bunny ears in a picture.

— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) December 27, 2020

#22

If toddlers were a cocktail:🍸

2 oz: I don’t want anything for breakfast but I’m going to eat all of yours.

1 oz: GTF out of here with that red cup... I want the other red cup!

1.5 oz: Here, hold my booger.

Poor in a chilled glass. Enjoy.

— Tired Dad of 2 (@Tired_Dad_of_2) December 27, 2020

#23

My 2yo picked a heck of a time to start fake coughing all over the place

— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) December 31, 2020

#24

If you want to feel a hundred years old, I HIGHLY recommend explaining to your kids what a TV Guide was, and how you got one in the Sunday paper.

— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) December 27, 2020

#25

Her: “All four of my children were chosen for the gifted and talented program at their schools.”

Me: “Cool, I finally taught mine how to pick their noses in private rather than in public.”

— Faux Ma (@Faux_Ma) January 1, 2021

Each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.

Preview photo credit: notmythirdrodeo / twitter.com