You're not really home as an adult unless it's 6 AM and you're staring at the ceiling on an air mattress surrounded by your father's extensive collection of military history books.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 13, 2020
hearing reports from my cousins that texting them once every four months with “how are you and your jerk-ass kids” is not the same as “keeping in touch”
— Scaachi (@Scaachi) September 15, 2020
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
— AIDA (@shutupaida) September 14, 2020
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 14, 2020
sleeping with a military guy and then telling him he can’t stay over because of the 3rd amendment
— ✨V✨ (@coolauntV) September 15, 2020
My friend texted me that socks are just portable feet carpets, and I have no idea what the fu*k to do with this.
— 💥Katt💥 (@FirecrackerKatt) September 15, 2020
that Hakuna Matata sequence where Simba grows up but it’s me turning into my mom
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) September 13, 2020
having trouble bullying myself into working today
— ziwe (@ziwe) September 17, 2020
Me: *talks an insane amount of sh*t*
Me: but I mean if they’re happy I won’t judge
— Niccole Thurman (@niccolethurman) September 13, 2020
How am I supposed to know if my bruise still hurts if I don’t press on it every 5 minutes
— Mom Sweats (@momjeansplease) September 13, 2020
Sometimes it’s hard to see the forest for the exploding trees
— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) September 15, 2020
My advice to young women...
If a guy starts a rumor that he had sex with you, nobody will believe you if you deny it, so instead, just say "yeah, and it was really bad. It barely lasted 2 minutes and he even shouted his mom's name. Weird."
— Lady Jaye (@LadyJayPersists) September 16, 2020
Getting him an empty ps5 box and filling it with a 1000 reasons of why you love him ❤️
— tilly. (@teefortilly) September 16, 2020
less girls named London and Paris, more girls named Dallas and Poughkeepsie
— Alexis Wilkinson (@OhGodItsAlexis) September 17, 2020
Continually impressed by folks who use big words. I’m always trying to use the shortest words possible-sometimes just grunts, honestly
— Atsuko Okatsuka (@AtsukoComedy) September 15, 2020
In case you guys are wondering how being manager is going......no one showed up today because I forgot to make this weeks schedule 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
— ari (@AriiiGonzalezV) September 14, 2020
don’t forget to drink water. don’t stop drinking the water once you start. you’ll forget if you stop. never stop drinking the water. the water will forget you if you stop drinking it. drink the water or you’ll forget.
— vicky mochama (@vmochama) September 17, 2020
Oh you just flipped over to face away from me in bed? Interesting I didn’t know we’d broken up
— Veronica Kwiatkowski (@veronicakallday) September 14, 2020
messaged a girl “i like ur photo wall!” in zoom class and she turned off her camera
— rafia (@rafia_afzal_) September 16, 2020
I accidentally bought inspirational paper towels and I am FURIOUS pic.twitter.com/DqooYfjhUg
— Jill Twiss (@jilltwiss) September 15, 2020
Visit our "Funniest Tweets From Women" page for past roundups.
Preview photo credit: ziwe / twitter.com