Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways.

#1

I’m the Krazy Glue that holds my family together.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) July 22, 2020

#2

Me: Guess what.

8-year-old: No.

I didn't know that was an option.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 22, 2020

#3

So my daughter just told me that she checks my location on my phone in order to determine when she’s going to start on chores... and I feel some type of way.

— Momba (@TMikaMouse) July 19, 2020

#4

My favorite part of summer is when my kids ask for the sprinkler and then I turn on the sprinkler and then they cry hysterically if they get wet from the sprinkler and then they yell at me to turn the sprinkler back on after I turn it off

— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) July 21, 2020

#5

My daughter on in-person learning:

"They couldn't keep the bathrooms clean; how are they going to disinfect the whole school daily?"

— Stacey Hopkins (@staceyhopkinsga) July 22, 2020

#6

Oh, you’re one of those parents with a bedtime routine as opposed to yelling GO TO BED from the couch every 10 minutes for 2 hours.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 20, 2020

#7

Probably the biggest gift I can give my grandkids one day is to just call me grandpa. Not poppy or pop-pop or pawpaw or peepaw or ploopaglurp. Just grandpa.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 22, 2020

#8

I’d rather hear my toddler say the F-word than “Again!”

— Molly McNearney (@mollymcnearney) July 24, 2020

#9

Hey 13, put the glasses from your room in the dishwasher please

13: pic.twitter.com/TrIlDmD2xY

— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) July 20, 2020

#10

You think you are in charge of your house until your kid gets out of bed and you panic and hide the ice cream you are eating.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 24, 2020

#11

What’s the best way to apologize to your neighbors for the electric guitar song your son is writing called “Gotta Poop?”

— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) July 24, 2020

#12

Me: What the hell am I going to do with my kids today?

My daughters: We're going down to the creek to make a movie about pants that are actually people.

Me: Oh. pic.twitter.com/YuDqni69KR

— Hannah Grieco (@writesloud) July 20, 2020

#13

My two year old has named her new stuffed animal puppy "WOMAN"

— Meena Harris (@meenaharris) July 20, 2020

#14

Last night I tucked my son in, kissed him goodnight and he hugged me and said "goodbye mommy" so I guess I won't be sleeping until he moves out.

— Divergent Mama (@divergentmama) July 20, 2020

#15

If I know little else about parenting, I know this:
a large cardboard box is the best way to keep your kid entertained.

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) July 19, 2020

#16

I don’t like to brag but I had 19 seconds earlier where none of my kids yelled, cried, peed on the floor or asked if we can adopt a pigeon and call it Peppa

— MumInBits (@MumInBits) July 21, 2020

#17

if you have multiple kids I guarantee at least one of them will always choose "the one their sibling has" as their favorite popsicle flavor

— The Dad (@thedad) July 19, 2020

#18

[6 AM]

Me: [sitting down on couch with first cup of coffee]
Child [coming out of bedroom]: good morn-
Me [pushing child back into bedroom]: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 23, 2020

#19

Me: I was thinking we could order ramen and watch a Miyazaki movie tonight since Gran’s not home for dinner
9yo: ok!
9yo: wait, you’re not going to order the spicy Korean ramen are you?
Me: probably
9yo: it’s just that ... with a Japanese movie
9yo: it kind of ruins the aesthetic

— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 23, 2020

#20

Childless person: Here’s everything you’re doing wrong raising your child and if you do it any other way you’ve failed as a parent.

Person with child: Are they alive? GOOD JOB!!!!!!!!

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) July 22, 2020

#21

My son has a Thomas the Train bed and now I’ll never sleep again pic.twitter.com/ilvjY4LERs

— Nathan Thomas (@isosmrt) July 18, 2020

#22

Showed my kid how a catapult works with a spoon and a pencil. He was impressed. My wife finding Mac and Cheese on the ceiling? Not so much.

— 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️ (@The_Albinoshrek) July 22, 2020

#23

I love that my 6 yr old enjoys watching Jeopardy even if she just announced she wants a Nano Knee brand knee replacement

— Molly Erdman (@erdmanmolly) July 21, 2020

#24

Things I have tried:

-bribery
-begging
-negotiating
-rewards
-dark curtains
-threats to call Santa
-earlier bed time
-later bed time
-fewer snacks
-more snacks
-threats of violence against stuffed animals

Times my 4 year old has slept through the night as a result:

0

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) July 19, 2020

Each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.

Preview photo credit: PetrickSara / twitter.com