Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways.
I’m the Krazy Glue that holds my family together.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) July 22, 2020
Me: Guess what.
I didn't know that was an option.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 22, 2020
So my daughter just told me that she checks my location on my phone in order to determine when she’s going to start on chores... and I feel some type of way.
— Momba (@TMikaMouse) July 19, 2020
My favorite part of summer is when my kids ask for the sprinkler and then I turn on the sprinkler and then they cry hysterically if they get wet from the sprinkler and then they yell at me to turn the sprinkler back on after I turn it off
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) July 21, 2020
My daughter on in-person learning:
"They couldn't keep the bathrooms clean; how are they going to disinfect the whole school daily?"
— Stacey Hopkins (@staceyhopkinsga) July 22, 2020
Oh, you’re one of those parents with a bedtime routine as opposed to yelling GO TO BED from the couch every 10 minutes for 2 hours.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 20, 2020
Probably the biggest gift I can give my grandkids one day is to just call me grandpa. Not poppy or pop-pop or pawpaw or peepaw or ploopaglurp. Just grandpa.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 22, 2020
I’d rather hear my toddler say the F-word than “Again!”
— Molly McNearney (@mollymcnearney) July 24, 2020
Hey 13, put the glasses from your room in the dishwasher please
— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) July 20, 2020
You think you are in charge of your house until your kid gets out of bed and you panic and hide the ice cream you are eating.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 24, 2020
What’s the best way to apologize to your neighbors for the electric guitar song your son is writing called “Gotta Poop?”
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) July 24, 2020
Me: What the hell am I going to do with my kids today?
My daughters: We're going down to the creek to make a movie about pants that are actually people.
Me: Oh. pic.twitter.com/YuDqni69KR
— Hannah Grieco (@writesloud) July 20, 2020
My two year old has named her new stuffed animal puppy "WOMAN"
— Meena Harris (@meenaharris) July 20, 2020
Last night I tucked my son in, kissed him goodnight and he hugged me and said "goodbye mommy" so I guess I won't be sleeping until he moves out.
— Divergent Mama (@divergentmama) July 20, 2020
If I know little else about parenting, I know this:
a large cardboard box is the best way to keep your kid entertained.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) July 19, 2020
I don’t like to brag but I had 19 seconds earlier where none of my kids yelled, cried, peed on the floor or asked if we can adopt a pigeon and call it Peppa
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) July 21, 2020
if you have multiple kids I guarantee at least one of them will always choose "the one their sibling has" as their favorite popsicle flavor
— The Dad (@thedad) July 19, 2020
Me: [sitting down on couch with first cup of coffee]
Child [coming out of bedroom]: good morn-
Me [pushing child back into bedroom]: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 23, 2020
Me: I was thinking we could order ramen and watch a Miyazaki movie tonight since Gran’s not home for dinner
9yo: wait, you’re not going to order the spicy Korean ramen are you?
9yo: it’s just that ... with a Japanese movie
9yo: it kind of ruins the aesthetic
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 23, 2020
Childless person: Here’s everything you’re doing wrong raising your child and if you do it any other way you’ve failed as a parent.
Person with child: Are they alive? GOOD JOB!!!!!!!!
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) July 22, 2020
My son has a Thomas the Train bed and now I’ll never sleep again pic.twitter.com/ilvjY4LERs
— Nathan Thomas (@isosmrt) July 18, 2020
Showed my kid how a catapult works with a spoon and a pencil. He was impressed. My wife finding Mac and Cheese on the ceiling? Not so much.
— 🧙♂️Nostradumbass🧙♂️ (@The_Albinoshrek) July 22, 2020
I love that my 6 yr old enjoys watching Jeopardy even if she just announced she wants a Nano Knee brand knee replacement
— Molly Erdman (@erdmanmolly) July 21, 2020
Things I have tried:
-threats to call Santa
-earlier bed time
-later bed time
-threats of violence against stuffed animals
Times my 4 year old has slept through the night as a result:
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) July 19, 2020
Each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Preview photo credit: PetrickSara / twitter.com